riddler_reveals...

shutting down....

2005-07-12T07:23:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I haven’t been updating much… sorry… I’m just terribly busy… school has never been as crazy… hai… how I wish it’s summer again. A lot of things had happened and most of them are against me. Hai…

I’m thinking about shutting down this website and go back to the basics. I’ll build a blogspot based from this site’s design and compress everything I wanna write there. No more division or discrimination, all thoughts on one page. It’s gonna save me a lot of time and effort. However, due to the restrictions the society has set for me, I might end up completely abolishing this blog or at least have a change of address. We’ll see.

Hai… I can’t believe we’ve been together for a month now… time flies by so fast that I kinda wish it’ll just take me along with it. Hai… I’m so depressed and tired. Good thing somebody’s around to cheer me up, even if that means having to look stupid in my eyes. Thanks for the patience and the love. Without you, I’ve probably gone berserk by now, killing every fucked-up human being that dared to thread on my noxious soil.

Hai… I’m sleepy already… by the time I wrote this article, I still haven’t seen fantastic four and it’s been running in theaters for almost a week now. I really got not much time for myself no more. I haven’t been to video city for almost two months. What happened to the movie freak inside of me? I haven’t turned to a book junkie yet. In fact, I still haven’t read any. Am still stuck in the middle of thinking things through as to what book shall devirginize my landscaped eyes.

This time I really gotta run… I’ll be back as soon as the weather is settled at something I prefer. Oh, that’s surely gonna be soon.

Welcome to my L-I-F-E

2005-06-12T13:52:00.000+08:00

Finally, a site of my own. Well not exactly my own domain name since I’m still using geocities but at least it’s skin and features is something partly conceptualized by yours truly. To be honest, I didn’t expect it to be quite as good as it looks, what I bore in my mind was something really simple, nothing too fancy, but thanx to the brilliance of you-know-who, and my visions came amazingly to life.

It has been a month since the last time I posted anything with regards to my fucked-up life… I just didn’t feel like sharing for the past few weeks, partly because I’ve been busier than usual. A lot of great and not so great stuff occurred. I am not that ready to spill it all for you at the moment but I will soon…

In the meantime, I wanna thank you all for coming to my humble site and hope you enjoy your stay. If you have any comments or suggestions or even requests, please leave them all at the message counters provided. You will find one in every page. Again, my sincerest thanx.

getting thinner and thinner....

2005-05-11T22:34:00.000+08:00

Wow… I can’t believe I’m still alive

It’s been two weeks since the startling revelation. Two long weeks that I’ve been trying to tighten up my already condensed wallet. I haven’t had the chance to jump up the scale but I am sure I lost a couple of pounds. My ribs are already visible. This is the worst I’ve been. I’m near anorexic. Good thing, for the past two days, I’ve been having full dinners. The free internet connection during the wee hours of the morning makes my condition much worst. I am not having enough sleep and been up all night surfing and downloading. I was never an afternoon person, so it’s been pretty hard for me to get myself to sleep during the afternoons. Even now, I have to force siesta to myself.

Another problem that keeps making me awake, is that convergys haven’t called back yet. They called last Saturday and I missed it. The second afternoon I was not in the house and they call. They didn’t leave any message except for they’ll call again. They never did. I tried to call them back, I was far from successful. I hate it. I can’t go out cuz I keep on thinking that they’ll call but they haven’t and I guess they never will. I just hate them immensely for it. God, I hope those fucked-up people from the HR Department have their worse during the duration of my misery. Haha… that’s bound to be lengthy. Wahehe…

You-don’t-know-who and I ain’t an item and will never be an item, at least for the next few years wahehe…. We just don’t meet at the right time…. Someone feels more at a time and someone feels less… at least that’s how I look at it. But I think it’s for the better, remember when I said I wanna disclose something well, that’s it. I don’t wanna get into a relationship with him after a much “weird” encounter…. I hope we do stay friends… I do enjoy his company a lot…

Right now, I’ve been trying to extend my horizons, a lot of offers in the air but I’m not taking any… I dunno why… maybe I just can’t think straight… haha… that’s funny… that’s the last thing I need to do in evaluating these offers…think straight… wahehe…. I’m not ready to get into a relationship yet, but not enough balls to sleep around either… man, when will I be resolute…

The craziest 5 days of my life… believe me!!!

2005-05-05T00:21:00.000+08:00

Sat…

It started off quite well, I was able to get the phone fixed and I’m back to civilization…. And I spent the rest of the afternoon and night with you-don’t-know-who…. all things just keep getting better??? definitely NOT....

Sun….

Now, I was spending the entire day in the house, enjoying some peace and quiet when all of a sudden the phone rang and it was my aunt who lives nearby. She said, that the owner will lock up the house tomorrow because the stupid freakos living here with me ain’t paying the electricity bill which is about P5,000. In case you have no idea, we’re using a jumper for more than a month now. I was furious, I mean I’m paying my bills, and they ain’t gonna lock up my stuff… there’s no way. And this pretending-to-be-helping asshole aunt of mine suggested that they will just use my aunt’s and my allowance to pay for it. I was like what????? As if getting only P2, 500 a month (during summer) isn’t bad enough, they would have to take away my entire allowance for this month to pay for the fucking electricity, which in case you missed, I already paid for!!!!!! God damn it!!! I only had two options:

A: I decline to use my money for it and this house will be locked up with all my stuff including my PC.
B: I’ll agree to use my MAY allowance and end up with only P1,500 to spend for this whole month. What do you think I chose??? Obviously, I chose B and man, I hate it!!!! Why do I have suffer something that is entirely not my fault!!!! I’m starting to hate my fucking life more and more…

Mon…..

I was starting to accept everything that happened and decided to drop by our house. And, up to now there’s still no confirmation as to whether my money meant to buy my cellphone has arrived or is even still in existence. Then, I received an unexpected call from you-know-who… he wanted us to meet and I was skeptical at first, but I wanted to confirm something so I decided to say yes and we met a few hours later. He was so ecstatic to see me, me on the other hand, was trying to figure out as to why I decided to see this chap again. What was I really trying to figure out? Well, simple whether in fact, I am over him, completely. And guess what the answer has been??? YES!!! TOTALLY!!! And I can’t be any happier. I honestly never wanna see him again, but since I asked for his help, I guess seeing each other will be inevitable. But that’s what all it’s gonna be… SEEING.

Moving on, as I thought this day will be not as bad as the past ones, I noticed that the TV’s gone!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I received a call from my mom later that night telling me that my dad didn’t came home… I didn’t pay as much attention as I would if it’s my sister but it bothered me still on my way to dreamland….

Tues...

Because of the fucked up electricity… my PC improperly shutdown causing a sickening problem that I’ll discuss with you later.

I went home to look over my Mom, who I know will be crying all day and night for what could be nothing but a scam my Dad is trying to pull off to shy away the claimers… And as expected, my mom’s been crying a river and you know me, I have a weird way of handling tragedies, I usually laugh them off cause I simply can’t discern as to whether they are reality or merely a reverie. And the fact that my sister pulled off a cinema scene convinces me more that it’s all a trance…

My 9-yr old sister, out of nowhere, just said that she think our Dad came home and my Mom, was like, no he did not!!! But my sister kept on insisting, citing that he even kissed her forehead, and me and my other sister looked at each other, and I went “Tangina mo ka!!!” right in front of my mom. And my mom burst in tears… God damn it!!! It felt really bad having to curse your sister and then see your mom crying over some superstitious belief….
And that doesn’t end there, her stupid horoscope for that day went like this…

“Ibigay mo ang gusto ng iyong mahal! Di ba noon pa man ay nagsakripisyo ka na? Wag kang mag-alala kahit ano pang kahantungan ng inyong relasyon, mahal ka niya... magpakailanan”

("Give the one you love what he wants! Isn’t it that you’ve sacrifice before? Do not worry, whatever happens, he loves you… forever.”)

And my mom went gaga over that… I couldn’t take the blabbing so I went home… to find out that my modem ain’t working, so I called for the help of a friend to fix it. He was able to eliminate the virus and all, and make the modem run, but, somehow, this fucked up hardware just won’t function perfectly. Now it ain’t sending no data, so I ain’t receiving none at all. HA!!!! No allowance, No TV and now no Internet!!!! How do you think I’m gonna survive this kind of environment????? How???!!!

Wed...

I tried to separate myself from all the craziness of the recent days and decided to concentrate on the task ahead: passing the Convergys exam and getting hired. I was suppose to meet you-don’t-know-who, however, he was 50 minutes late, and I already left 5 minutes earlier. So I was feeling that it wasn’t gonna be such a great day, with all my stroke of luck this past few days and now, missing the only good thing going for me for awhile, I must prepare myself for an excruciating task of accepting the fact that my life sucks, and it’s just gonna keep on sucking more and more.

Luckily, I reached the Convergys building right on time, about 5 minutes before the exam. And the stupid me, failed to remember what floor I’m suppose to go to. After two humiliating trials, I finally reached the haven for the insane me. And I don’t know if fate is playing games with me, but I found someone unexpected in that room. I’m not gonna name names, cuz I may end up jeopardizing my studies.

Clue: Big Bad Pig

The test started, and I swear I was a little nervous. Fear of the unknown has always been an accomplice of mine. I finished pretty early with the first test, I remember thinking how stupid I am to not capitalize on my time well enough, but the fact that I passed made it seem okay afterwards. And want another crazy detail? Well, big bad pig, didn’t pass the first stage!!!! He’s out, like any moron who joins Game Ka na Ba thinking that Kris will give them clues by blinking. I was shocked, when the pig was bidding farewell, I didn’t bother to look, I pretended to be doing the second test and laugh loudly inside, or maybe not, I don’t remember, but I do feel like laughing right now. Waheheehe…

The second test, was a lot more enjoyable. I finished not as early though. I was still nervous for the outcome, especially since a girl in my line was sent packing. From 15 we’re down to 11, now what??? Okay, I passed, and I think there’s only 8 or 7 of us left. This last test, compared to the other exams was far easier except the aptitude test. You know me, I don’t meddle with computer stuff, so basically I kinda relied on my intuition and power of guessing.

The spelling test was such a treat, you think you know how to spell those simple words but wait when you take that exam. Okay, so I was still skeptical about the upshot, but when ms. pretty face and lovely voice (something that rarely comes in one package) told me to fill out the employment form, I was like right on cutey. I was so ashamed though, cuz it took me like 30 minutes or more to fill out a stupid form. Why? Cuz I was looking for references, I didn’t think I needed any at that point. Stupid me…

So okay, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Now I’m back to reality. I have to go home and face a family problem that makes me sick to my stomach. So I went to our house, and still no news about my dad’s whereabouts. I decided to just went here and received a call that seemingly took all my worries away. No, it’s not about my dad but it’s just the voice of that one person that makes everything seem of lesser complications than they are actually are. He just makes me forget about my sick problems and enjoy whatever it is he has to offer…. And having him in my room makes it much, much special.

Am I in love again? You bet I am!!! Which makes me worry about something that is probably best not to disclose here. Give this one to me, it still is such a vulnerable matter but I promise as soon as everything is smooth sailing, I’ll be more than glad to reveal to the 4 of you who read this. Wahehehe…

And oh, the day ended with a bang (decipher yourself), and the news that my dad’s home.

a LOT like LOVE and much, much more....

2005-04-29T03:49:00.000+08:00

Love my title… what do you think I’m gonna talk about ha??? Well, first, I got that one from Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet’s new movie which I shamefully I cried over for when I saw the trailer maybe about a month ago while my relationship with the prince was on the rocks…. Speaking of him, never heard or read a word from him since the break-up, I am adding to my to-do-list the amputation of his carabao grammatically correct testimonial… better see it now if you wanna read it cuz I’ll be doing it soon…. I hope I don’t get to hear from him anymore, not that I am angry at him or anything, but just because I want him to move on, completely expunge me out of his life, and I don’t want any encumbrance thrown at me if something bad happens to him or if he tries to screw his life over… I ain’t capable of handling my own life surely ain’t gonna see to somebody else’s…

I just don’t learn nor listen, do I? I went at it again… the PPS title that is… but didn't make it thru the first phase… The last time, I was so nervous my voice almost didn’t come out… now I think I was a bit too confident probably even a little cocky…. I don’t know why he didn’t pick me at least for that phase. Maybe I really am just not that good enough, maybe it was a wrong choice of song and style; should have changed it to alt instead of the soul/rnb thing. Maybe I was too short for TV. Maybe I was too ugly for TV. Or maybe, just maybe, God has better plans for me---- oh fuck off!!! Not you, but me, I mean I… waheheh

I got a call from two different call centers this past week, one was Convergys, the other was ICBPI. I was suppose to have my test for the latter last Wednesday, missed it cuz of my pre-advising and I don’t really like the whole thing in the first place since it's an outbound post, riddler ain’t doing no job outside wahehe.. the former though, I’ve been waiting for, for the past two weeks or so, I wanna work there... the salary is pretty hefty and the last time I checked they hire part-time applicants… I have another one invitation here for testing but the location is way too far but we’ll see, if things don’t work out with C then I’m off to Muntinlupa… just the sound of it scares the shit out of me…

Since I touched the topic of pre-advising, I am enrolled already and it wasn’t a walk in the park… it pissed me to my very core… however, compared to others, I was quite lucky… and before I end this, I just wanna say that I am not with anybody at the moment… if I am… it will be all over this blog… I don’t feel the urge of committing soon, or the necessity of it but I have my eyes on somebody, not entirely sure if he (yes, a he!) is up for it as well but I sure hope so… we’ll see… we’ll see…

And last but not the least, I have a new phone, well technically it’s not mine yet since I only borrowed it from my ex-girlfriend but since I am going to be the one who’ll get it fixed, I’ll probably ask for sole permanent custody of this baby… I hope she says yes, I miss her… FYI: she’s the greatest love of my life…. I was in love with that girl for 5 years…. Would love to love her but somehow I think it’s something I just have to let go, which by the way I already did way back, so why am I pondering about it again???

Idol sucks—just wanted to let that one out…..

Mental Status: surprisingly normal
Libido Meter: dozed off
Emo Level: weird...
Quote: “the best thing going for you is your ability to humiliate yourself”
Voca worda: seethe– to be in a state of internal and especially mental agitation etc.

breaking up is not so hard to do...

2005-04-21T06:15:00.000+08:00

A new pontiff has been selected and my summer sucks…

Nice segway ei??? Man, okie I know I sound like a broken plaque (sirang plaka… just kiddin’), but I really wanna get a job but I just don’t have the balls to apply alone!!! Grrr!!! And having no cellphone and all, makes it much more difficult for me. I hate this. I really do. I feel so frustrated… my entire days have been a sick routine of waking up, eating, watching and sleeping. I hate it. I’m even starting to get sick of writing my movie reviews and I can’t jumpstart the revision of my blog… I hate it…. I’d better start doing it since I don’t expect any help from Brew soon (I hope he’s happy now that I mentioned his name and I even linked it, but I ain’t gonna visit it, don’t push your luck wahehe)…

We spoke a couple of days ago… I think he’s pissed… I’ve been trying to demoralize him and contrary to popular belief, it worked. Well, at least I though it did. But knowing Brew, he’ll be out in the e-street like a putrid whore who have nothing else to do. However, unlike them, he don’t do it to feed his tummy, but to feed his unexplainable apprehension the only way he knows how.

I still hate him if that’s what you wanna ask. And I ‘m pretty sure I don’t love him anymore. All that I feel for him now is resentment, for being the sick liar that he is who happens to be the first guy who screwed me over (figuratively). Haha, if he’s reading this he’s probably in a moment of incense, trying to think of a way to get even with me. It’s alright Brew, it’s all good, I’m just expressing my rage against this iniquitous world who favors the reprobate more than the naive.

But for old time’s sake (I can’t believe I actually said this..) can you please help me redo my blog???? Please???!!!! (..and this one too…)

Oh… Breaking NEWS!!!!

ANWAR is gone and we BROKE UP!!!! … such news of equal importance…

Okay, I know you’re more interested with the latter but just in case you wanna know something abut the former just give it a click. Moving on, well, yeah, and the funny thing is, I was so depress about the elimination of Anwar, that when prince called (yup, another telephone break-up! god, this is so 90’s, is email still the legit thing?) I just didn’t care I mean, it was a less than a 5-minute conversation with me almost responding with all mmms… and ohhs…. I was so ready for this one I guess, I’ve been waiting for it for a very long time and I finally got it, in fact, it’s a little late but it’s good yah’ll….

His voice was so funny, I can sense the anger in his tone… we broke up cuz he said I’ve been pressuring him to sleep with me…. Ha??!!! Dah???!!!! I’ve been trying to get him into bed since the first time we met. He just kept on resisting just before we start to get into the juicy stuff (sorry, if it’s a little graphic for some). I’d stop there before I share something I’ll regret revealing later on…. He said we’ll just end up bickering over the same issue… Well, I was planning to until I get what I want… I’ve been celibate for the past 4 months for Pete’s sake, since we’ve been together…. The boi (me) desperately needs some action, and that’s what he’s supposed to be (partially) for but he just won’t give in… claiming that we’re just trying to, and I quote, “baboy” ourselves. Haha!!! And why are you here in this relationship again???

I didn’t tell him that, I wanted him to have that moment, to feel like he’s the man, he got the balls to break-up with me, he knows he didn’t really break my heart, but at least he said it first… well, I wanted him to do it. It gives me pleasure to know that they (the people I got involved with) have the bragging rights for this whole breaking up thing… it doesn’t bother me, especially since I’m enormously indecisive, so I let them do it, sometimes I don’t want them to, but sometimes I’m just so glad they finally do, just like today…. And I need not worry about what other people think, that I’m not the one who broke up with someone, cuz I know the truth and I’m happy with my decision… at least this one I’m sure I’d stick with…

So there you go, me back to the arms of myself… hmm, thinking about it, I actually never left my side, get me? Wahehe… I’m not sure what I wanna do next… I’ve said I plan to be alone for awhile the moment we separate but you never know, I might just change my mind again… at the moment I’ll try to enjoy singlehood, as if I have the balls to sleep around…. Damn, I’m so lame….. waheehe.

Mental Status: idol crazy...
Libido Meter: not in the mood...
Emo Level: depress....
Quote: “vengeance is a lazy form of grief”
Voca worda: plaudit– applaud

jobs, pimple, and shit....

2005-04-12T07:19:00.000+08:00

I am so glad that the blogger works again….. nothing much going one except I finally tried to look for a job and guess what happened??? Right… nothing. No calls yet from Convergys, I just submitted my name and my contact no since I’m already done with the initial interview and all. The only thing the oh-so-busy girl was write my contact details on a SHIT of paper and go home. Man!!! They don’t know what they’re missing… wahaha… they’ll miss the chance of giving me money wahhhhhhhhh…….

I’m going to a couple of job fairs this coming 15th I just hope I do get something out of it… we’ll see….

Oh, the prince and I finally came back in each other’s arms… literally… after not seeing each other for nearly a month. I missed him. I do hope things work out for him with his job hunting and all. Too bad he couldn’t stay for the night cuz he was supposed to fill in for some work the next day….

I have a pimple that just hurts so bad… it’s located just half-inch under my lower lip… god, it huts… I just finished cleaning my room hai.. it feels good when it’s clean, it’ll be for at least the next 2 days wahehehe….

And oh, something really sad here, Eniarol is leaving school. Well, she’s taking a leave so she’s leaving. That means she won’t be graduating together with us. Damn!!! How I wish I can help her, I mean, do something for her so she won’t have to skip school…. Aside from the fact that she may end up not finishing her studies, it’ll suck not to get a glimpse of her every school day… and now, if I decide to pursue her, it’ll be the worst timing, her life is miserable beyond imagination at the moment, and I am more misery in the making… so I’d better back off…

What a nice way to end this entry… hai….

riddler at the beach…

2005-04-05T10:17:00.000+08:00

You read that right, me at the beach… wow, it’s been awhile since the last time my body felt the raging waters of the sea… I actually had no idea that we we’re going to the beach, I thought we’re headed to a resort of some sort that’s why I agreed to come… cuz you know me, never liked the sea…. Unless of course it’s boracay or white beach then I’m all up for it, but if it’s just some phony beach resort I’d rather stay put….

It all happened last Sunday, it will be the first time and the last time I think I’ll go outing this summer. Why? Cuz I do plan to work remember? So if I do wanna work, the rest of the remaining summer days should be spent for some hard earned cash. Anyways, there were less than 10 of us, me, ate lea, kim, mae, pau&hei, gail&mike and chot. We went to Naic and well had not so much fun in the sun. The sweltering heat of the sun was just too much to handle. It was 12 o clock in the afternoon so the sun was pretty much up there. It’s weird of me though, cuz despite the fact that it was freaking hot all over the place when I immersed my body into water, I felt extremely cold, I mean I didn’t last a minute under it, I came up at once and rested for awhile. I did head back to the waters and spent about 20 minutes under the sun so my skin’s pretty rough and I’m darker than ever. Hai… poor me….

Anyways, it was a fun day overall. Kinda let my hair down for awhile. Too bad there’s no summer fling available... wahehehehe… we went home before dawn and I spent the night at Ate Lea’s house together with Chot, and went home the next day… hai…

Anyways, I’ve signed up to jobstreet, I really wanna get a job right now, so maybe at the latest, I’ll go to convergys and other call centers in ortigas or makati next Monday. I really wanna go with somebody accompanying me but I dunno if Gian is available… if there’s nowhere to go, I would have to ask the one we do not speak of the favor of coming with me which I don’t wanna do cuz I don’t wanna owe him any favors…

Mental Status: normal
Libido Meter: cooled dwn
Emo Level: commemorating
Quote: “i need to jumpstart my loins”
Voca worda: deride– to laugh at contempt; to ridicule

three months later....

2005-03-29T13:24:00.000+08:00

Man, I really can’t understand myself right now. It’s weird. I dunno what it is that I actually want. The Prince called today and he wants us to kinda cool down a bit, I was like okay… as if we are in any way getting in heat waheheh… I was okay with it… I mean I was really fine with it… I’ve been kinda waiting for him to say goodbye.. it’s his feelings that I worry cuz I do know that he loves me so much…. But then in the middle of that 20-minute conversation, somehow I just brokedown. I dunno why. I really don’t. I just can’t let him go… like any part of my life. I just can’t let anything go. I don’t want him to go. I dunno maye because he assures me. When he’s there I know that I’m fine, there’s no need for me to look for anyone and I am sure that he will take care of me. I dunno if I cried because of his situation, being an out of school youth who lives with his aunt and he has to support his sister/brother’s studies. I dunno if it was actually love or pity that I felt. I mean thinking about it now, nothing really happened, I mean we didn’t broke up, it was just him telling me that we may not be able to see each other more since he has to concentrate on looking for a job. I mean we haven’t seen each other for almost two weeks now but it’s fine with me. Now we may not see each other for a month but it’s cool too. He asked me if I could wait for him , I told him I dunno…. I actually thought he was talking bout a long time… so I really said I didn’t know…. I don’t want to get into any relationship yet but if someone comes along what can I do? Then I realized he was talking bout a month, okay… what the fuck is the purpose of all these? What am I crying for? What am I talking about again?Man, my stomach is killing me, that’s when you get when you put dessert first instead of your lunch. Damn it! Curse that chocolate cake. Why does it have to taste that good?????? Hai….

I can’t get over Carrie Underwood… waehehehe…. Man, she’s so gorgeous…. I’d definitely stick with being straight if it means she’ll be my wife wahehehe.. dream on…. Yup.. just did…
Anyways, three months… wow… not exactly a smooth ride but at least I lasted three months with not much effort…. Somebody’s been messaging me… and the stupid me is answering back… hahaha… crazy ha???? Been jumping around… my head aches. Ahhhhhhh….. and my feet too…. Grrrrrr….

Mental Status: the pain is unbearable…
Libido Meter: totally off
Emo Level: pretty high…
Quote: “he is my first mistake”
Voca worda: gentry– people of good birth or social standing

monthsarry....

2005-03-26T07:32:00.000+08:00

Yes, my friends! It has been a month!!! Even I can hardly believe it. Man, I never thought someone like me could survive a month without a cellphone. That’s a record. Ha…. I know what you’re thinking. That I am such a dumbass who just can’t let go. Well, I tell you what. That is true. I dunno why but I just can’t. That’s why I’m too scared to get close to anyone cuz I habitually end up getting hurt. Story of my miserable life.

I’m ‘bout to say that I’m gonna start looking for a J-O-B but I realized that I’ve been saying that for quite awhile. So when am I gonna start actually looking for one? I dunno. Somebody will have to spank me soon to get me moving. If not, I may end up spending the my entire summer in front of the PC. Which isn’t exactly a bad thing. But I really wanna earn some cash. I want to…. I need to…. I have to….

Somebody left me a message at connexion. You know who he is and well, I dunno what happened but I look at him differently now. As if he was not the guy I’ve known before. Like I never actually knew him at all. I dunno it’s weird…

Have to finish tons of stuff then school is over this Tuesday. I can hardly wait.

Mental Status: normal
Libido Meter: inactive
Emo Level: high
Quote: “it’s the first time you really open up your heart to somebody and you just end up getting hurt”
Voca worda: fratricide (v.i) – the act of killing one’s own brother/sister
fraternize (colloq) – to have sexual relations with one’s enemy

this is stupid...

2005-03-22T07:32:00.000+08:00

I’m off from school, at least for the next two weeks….. hai… four days from now and I’ve been phoneless for a month, it’s been that long… grrrrrrrrr….

I gotta finish up a class project, research for our take-home finals and review or at least read for our three written finals next week….

But before all that let’s all dedicate this week to lament and contemplate on our sins and wrongdoings… got yah! To hell with it! Just be careful though, especially on Friday, you’re not allowed to go out or hurt myself, cuz it won’t ever heal…. Christ is sleeping. Stupid…

Anyways, Yesterday we went to Ate Lea’s place… just messed around her place… trying to get some fresh air into our system…. Hai… they’re planning to go swimming this April I dunno if that’s gonna push through or if I’m gonna join them.

By the way, the prince didn’t call today. I haven’t texted him yet since I don’t have no phone at the moment… I know I’m possibly screwed for this and he may start to think I don’t want him no more… well, I really dunno… I’ll probably text him later or tomorrow if he still won’t call today… need to... have to… stupid indecisiveness …

Mental Status: dithering
Libido Meter: just got off
Emo Level: FAILING….
Quote: “Sometimes I wanna kill myself but I’m too scared to die”
Voca worda: conniption- a fit of anger

crazy me.....

2005-03-18T07:32:00.000+08:00

God, how pathetic can I be? I hate to admit it but I’m really falling for her… I dunno how long I can stop myself but my head really says no….. it won’t just hurt me but if she do feels the same way about me the chances of me hurting her is pretty hefty. And that’s the last thing I would ever wanna do. I don’t think I can pass her standards, you know, the type who’ll fetch her home or treat her all the time, you know me, I barely spend something for myself, rumor has it that I can possibly starve myself to death. Waheheh…

Hai.. I’m starting to become a rewinding cassette waheheh…. I’m crazy.. am I not? I sure am. See???? Wahehehe… Why does this shitty heart have to skip everytime it gets a glimpse of her… I want it to stop, but I can’t… dunno what to do… grrrrrrrrrrrr……. If risk-o-meter do exist she’s definitely higher. I know I’m gonna be happy when I’m with her and if she’ll allow me to but I doubt that I’ll be able to make her feel the same. Crazy me….

School is coming to an end, god, I do hope I end this one pretty well. I need all the incentives I can possibly get from my aunt. If I make it to the dean’s list my aunt lina may feel the urge to buy me a new phone. Hmmm it’s been what four or three weeks of no phone???? I’m trying to get it back.. in my own little evil ways…. Die guessin’ waheheheheh

Mental Status: paranoid
Libido Meter: secret wahehe
Emo Level: falling……..
Quote: “why be you if you can be new?---- hell yah!”
Voca worda: acephalous- headless; leaderless

all things just keep getting better --- i wish!

2005-03-15T07:32:00.000+08:00

Okay, I’m cool now… my relationship with the prince has gone better and I couldn’t be any happier. I guess everything that transpired was really nothing but an upshot of my sudden visit to the state of disbelief… we’re totally cool now… I do feel the same way I did before… in love that is. This may be the cheesiest thing ever but I was so kilig when he said this to me. You know that he visits this site and he told me he attempted to make a blog of his own, and do you know what is the name of the blog he made? I think you don’t… I was caught off guard as well, totally something I never thought he’ll think of, and is just plain sweet. “riddler’s prince”. That’s the name he’s routing for. Cheesy ha?

Anyways, so busy in school so I won’t have the time to make this one pretty long. I guess this would be enough. Ahehe. We have this play tomorrow and it’s one pathetic piece I wrote myself. I didn’t plan to play the lead but since nobody else is available to play it (really? Wahehe) I would have to do it myself. I wrote, directed and acted the play. Now that’s more than what Clint did for Baby. Aheee…. I am eyeing that Oscar waheheh…

Tagboard is driving me crazy…. There are more days that it don’t work than it does. God damn it! I’d probably switch to chatter box but I hate its format. Whatever.

I only have four more school days to put up with and it’ll be a full week of utter noise from the barangay in front of our house. And in case you want a TIBO update. Well, he’s as useless as usual and they’re not getting any better.

Anyone who knows where this lad can work this summer? Something that doesn’t involve me wiping no tables or unzipping my or anybody’s pants. Leave me a message ahehehe..

Mental Status: directorial
Libido Meter: cool….
Emo Level: in L_O_V_E
Quote: “riddler’s prince”
Voca worda: stifle- to suffocate

the aftermath...

2005-03-11T07:32:00.000+08:00

I know it’s been two weeks since I lost my phone, but I still can’t get over it. and the fact is, my enthusiasm seemed to have left as well when my phone was nabbed. My enthusiasm in everything. I can’t fuckin’ do nothing right. Or at least I think I’m somewhat incapable to do anything. Poor me. In fact even my thang for prince seems to have been lost as well. But I remember I said I’m gonna try hard to make us work. But if we’re gonna break-up, I’m so no longer in the mood to go into another relationship or to even look for anyone. I’m gonna stick with myself and me. I dunno but I feel like going back to serenity and mourn my way out of it, if I’m even gonna be able to.

I don’t know why but I do miss someone, actually I do know why but I ain’t gonna disclose it, actually I really don’t know. Wah! I dunno. I hate myself right now. I really do.

Anyways, I’m gonna look for work soon. I just wanna work this summer. Fast foods are not an option, coffee shops are. But my main choice is a call center. Why? Cuz the job description fits me perfectly. For bums who can speak well. Perfect!

Mental Status: crazy…. Crazy… crazy…
Libido Meter: fucked up!
Emo Level: nostalgic
Quote: “now fuck off and die you fucked up slack!!!!!!”
Voca worda: excogitate- to think out, contrive

there's no rainbow after the storm...

2005-03-05T07:44:00.000+08:00

A week has gone by since the incident…. Hai.. I terribly miss my phone…. It was a really rough week for me… the first few days were just excruciating. I can hardly get myself to think straight (not the sexual preference, although, that to wahehe), I’m always caught in a state of nostalgia, thinking that everything that happened was nothing but a mere nightmare… but no it was real alright, and I’m no way waking up into a delusion I insistently implore exists….

Hai… well, the prince and I are cool now… I was kinda pissed at him because he reacted exactly the opposite of the way I want him to do so…. But we’re cool now… I’m really gonna try to make us work… the last thing I need is solitude, I might kill myself….

Good thing Aunt Mary Ann agreed to send me some money, she usually sends me money after each semester, my birthday and Christmas. I asked for $65 (x 53 is P3, 575) to buy a new phone… but I don’t expect her to send the whole amount… she might give me 20 at least or 30 tops… damn it! She’s caught up with some problems of her own… my CIA cousin (it’s a secret ayt?) is undergoing a knee surgery next week and she’s been sick for awhile. She said she’d send the money before she leaves on the 12th to go to his surgery. The dolla’ will arrive in Japan before the 20th and hopefully be sent to me before this month ends.

I saw Duda today, I know you’re wondering why I ain’t posting this one in the movie blog, it’s becuz my cousins or relatives or whatever may get to read it and the fiasco will begin. Anyways, I’m not really sure if it is the entire movie or only half of it cuz it seemd like it even though they showed the credits, but if it is, it’s totally hilarious. Filipinos really get over the board just to point out something Anyways, maybe I will write a full movie review and post it here.. not in the mood right now… I’m writing something in Filipino, I dunno what it is yet, it can become a script, a short story or even a novel. Man, it’s tiring though.

By the way, before I go, to those people who never even consoled me during my time of bereavement, I hope you lose someone of dear to you as much as my cellphone is to me. Then, I’ll go laugh at you. Keep in mind, what goes around, comes around….

Mental Status: recuperating…
Libido Meter: higher than usual…
Emo Level: silently bereaving
Quote: “you have to fight your way into this world, and fight your way out of it”
Voca worda: sottish- stupid or foolish from drinking too much..

the day i lost my phone

2005-02-26T07:44:00.000+08:00

One of the things I fear most happened…. I lost my phone…

Well, I didn’t lose it, like misplaced or forgot it or something, me and 3 of my classmates where held-up inside a jeepney on our way to a classmate’s house. The cellphone was inside my pocket and one of the three holdappers was seated beside me on my right side, he felt my cell from my pants and asked for it. Life or phone? I chose life… actually, I really don’t know if I even made the choice, or what clearly happened, if he nabbed the phone from my pants or I handed it to him, I can’t remember clearly. I was so shaken. Everything happened so fast. I just couldn’t believe that it was really happening.

Man, it’s totally weird, the timing was so damn perfect. To think that we even followed the stupid jeep so we can hop on… man, we’re so stupid. I’ve spent hours thinking about the what ifs… and we did try to find the crooks but to no success. Hai…. All the numbers… and to think that it’s actually the most expensive thing I bought with almost the entire money coming from me. It sucks. Why me? Maybe karma, for what? For not paying the fare when the driver pissed me off? I don’t think so. This is way too much of an imbursement. Hai…. I miss my phone….. huhuhu…. And I just loaded it with a 300 peso credits….

I wanted to cry, but I can’t, I wanted to shout, but all my energy seem to have faded away, and to think that my cousin was even mobbed yesterday. The only difference is that they caught the felons, and she was even featured on TV, while me, no phone, no jailed criminals, and no TV exposure, can there be anything worse than that?

Man, the prince hasn’t called yet. He’s leaving for Rizal tomorrow. He might be texting me and I haven’t replied once. I hope he do call before he leave he will be gone for a week. Man, 3 days to go and we’ll be celebrating our second monthsarry, too bad there’s no 29 on the calendar and he won’t be around. I miss him, I need him right now, I need somebody to hug the loneliness away….

I’m starving, need to find something to eat…. Grrr…. I hate this, I haven’t eaten any rice yet… hmmm….

love served cold...

2005-02-22T07:44:00.000+08:00

Man, I really don’t fell like writing at all… I dunno why but I just don’t…. I dunno what’s happening to me, but all of a sudden I’m losing my interest on everything…. I’m starting to juggle around with my thoughts about the prince and I. I’m losing my lust for everything. I just don’t find myself yearning for anything, and what’s far worse, I feel so numb, I’m used to being jaded, but not feeling like dead. What’s happening to me??????

There are so many thoughts in my head at the moment, I dunno which one to listen to, I dunno which one to push through, the only thing I know is that they ain’t stopping anytime soon, they’re just gonna keep running around the circle of my head…

Another worry of mine is that I’m starting to feel a little cold with the prince. I dunno why. He asked about it the other night, I said I’m not because I wasn’t feeling that way during that time or maybe because I was too sleepy, whatever the reason is, I’m starting to feel it now…. I think it’s because of the fact that I feel like we’re stuck. Physically, in this room and relationship wise we’re just not growing. But I ain’t giving up, I’m not gonna be screwed around by my coldness no more that I’ll end up messing around.

I heard Lindsay Lohan said before that "if you have to work to make the relationship work, you have to get out of it." I highly disagree, those kind of people who thinks that way uses that philosophy as an excuse for their being a biatch… just like you-know-who…. That’s bullshit…. Remember love, trust and compromise? Well, what I’m gonna do to make things work between the two of us… First, let him know about the problem, not gonna disclose it with you cause it ain’t your business but it is his and mine since we’re together,… Second, we’re gonna get out of this freaking house. Gonna let him into my circle, and how wish I wouldn’t have to do it but if it has to be done then I’m gonna go enter his….

Gonna do that next month… or maybe the next time we see each other…. I still feel that I love him… and I know that he loves me more than i love him and his feelings for me is stronger than before, and I wouldn’t wanna hurt his feelings….

Wah… I hope things work… by the way he’s starting to read this, but I don’t care… read all you want wahehehe…..

Mental Status: bewildered…
Libido Meter: I can’t feel my…
Emo Level: jaded……
Quote: “Revenge is a meal best served cold”
Voca worda: mete– a boundary or limit

a trip, a ride and a rumor....

2005-02-15T07:42:00.000+08:00

Busy….busy…busy… that’s how I’ve been for awhile…. That’s why forgive me if I have to round up, once again, everything that transpired this fateful week of the love month….

Wednesday…
Haha!!! I won!!! Not yet eliminated baby!!! I was aggravated by that Leif biatch to commit silly mistakes on the table… I hated that biatch the moment I laid eyes on her… c’mon with a face like that who’ll dare to go out of their house? not to mention her neither average nor genius state of intellect…. Man, she’s got the whole package… for a loser….
I saw The Phantom of the Opera this day.. made a review of it….. terribly disappointed…. But I still love that song… “all I ask of you”… just hearing that song makes me quiver to the very tip of my bones…..

Thursday….
Nothing especial occurred except the prince called after 3 days of no oral communication… he didn’t want me to go.. but he do realize the need for me to leave….

Friday....
Slept at my parent’s house…. woke up at 4…. Our flight was schedule at 6, we traveled via Victory Liner and man, it is quite expensive…. It took us 6 grueling hours to get to the place…. We had to take a jeepney then a tricycle after getting off the bus… the house was like near the border of Baguio… it was way too far already….

As I expected, it was boring…. No PC, No TV allowed, absolutely no form of entertainment except live gambling sprees… plus, I have to be very careful, I’m not superstitious but I’d rather be cautious than heedless…. I had to socialize with my relatives which is okay… it’s been awhile…. After some petty diversions from the devastating monotony that surrounds the green pastures of my province… I decided to leave… good thing that after a little disapproval from my mom she did gave in to my demand to be released to the civilization…. Freed from the tedium of that place…..

Saturday…
I left at 6:30 or so… and experienced one of the most astonishing things ever….

I rode a motorcycle…. Corny for some yah, but I’ve always been scared of that bicycle.. out of all the land transpo present in this lifetime… motorcycles can be considered the most dangerous… it leaves all your body vulnerable to all sort of injury, except your head if you’re wearing a helmet but that doesn’t mean it will be spared for certain. It was such a thrill for me… the rush is awesome… what took us more than an hours t travel after we left the bus, only took about 20 minutes via motorcycle…. It was so cool… I was wearing no helmet during that time that’s why my hair went all over the place, plus, the breeze was so freakin’ cold, if I’m not wearin’ a jacket I would have frozen waheheh…. Even though I practically just hop in and didn’t do the driving… the fun, coolness and the rush were all there… what an experience! Wouldn’t mind doing it again…

I reached manila by 11:30, the bus needed to make some crazy turns so I reached the terminal itself by 1230 or so. I arrived exactly on time for my reason of leaving (well, at least that’s my excuse to my parents and relatives).. my rhetoric class…. That was monologue day… didn’t have time to write so I just did an impromptu shit…. Didn’t go as well as I planned but it was alright ….

Went straight home since I expected the prince to call and drop by… he arrived at about 530, expecting me to be all dressed up and shit for lovah palooza.. I understandably wasn’t feeling oh so perfectly well that day… kinda had a buslog but I still went along… he was creating some scene already inside this little room of mine… but just right after I saw Brennan finally axed in PPS…. He has the guts to sing one of my fave A. Keys tunez.. the nerve!!!!

WE went outta here by 730 and because of the taxing traffic… we arrived at 9. There were so many people…. Saw two ordinary acts courtesy of Janine “who is she?” Desiderio and Anna “not-that-great-of-a-live-performer” Fegi…. We attempted to rent bikes but we were denied twice cuz the morons can’t understand that my ID is still valid and just because my student umber starts with 2003, it doesn’;t mean it’s only valid for that year… what idiots!!!! So we end up wandering around the grounds of Roxas Boulevard until we finally decided to just eat and after which we headed home…

Sunday….
Just stayed home…. Both of us I mean…. And since we’re kinda getting near to the you know what stage…. I promised I ain’t touching him again, if you know what I mean… at least for awhile…
We also saw White chicks today… it was funny enough… I don’t know bout me and the literal toilet humor…. I just go gaga over those…..

Monday…..
Woke up early, as usual, he was sleeping the entire time I was preparing for school and only woke up when I was almost ready to leave… we kissed and went out of the house…

In school, I heard one of the best lines to ever come out of a professor’s mouth…. “you make me sick” wahahahahahaha!!!!! That was staggering! Waheheheehe…. On a serious note, I found out that Eniarol’s dad had a heart attack, I ain’t sure if he’s alright now… hope he gets better…. I saw her cry… ahhhh…. Wanna comfort her but people might put some color into it so I chose not to….

I also saw Man on fire… Denzel and Dakota… what talents!

Oh, before I forget, when I went to our house, my sister told me that Tibo told her that she have two brothers now…. Because I have a boyfriend!!!!!!! You see, he saw the prince yesterday cuz he opened the door when we arrived home and knows that he slept here…. What a friggin’ asshole!!!! HE got the balls to spread rumors, though it is true, he has no right to spread it out, just because he’s a useless bastard doesn’t give him the ticket to spoil and meddle with other people’s businesses. I should have told my sister to tell him “Ulol! Inutil ka na nga tsismoso ka pa” that will hit me just right! But I’m not like that… in fact, even if my great aunt asked a thousand bucks for me the same moment I found out about the gossip, I gladly gave it… I know that if the rumors reach my aunts, I can easily deny it…. They’re just not ready yet for something like this… even if I explain it to them they won’t understand me and how this whole thing works… I sure am glad there’s no violent reaction coming from my dad…. A burden has been lifted off my chest….

but still, i'm tired of rumors starting i'm sick of being followed.. i'm tired of people lying saying what they want about me, why can't they back off of me? why can't they let me live? i'm gonna do it my way... wahehehe.. dunno the rest fo it...

Tuesday….
Went to Gian’s place after class to watch Sideways cuz it ain’t playing on my PC… I’m still writing my review but I’ll be posting it… all I can say is that it was funny… Nothing mucn interesting happened, except Tibo didn’t leave the house and just stayed in the house… ha! What a worthless asshole…. Couldn’t wait to see them all craving for food again….ha!

Mental Status: psyched
Libido Meter: up, up and away…….
Emo Level: mixed…..
Quote: "you make me sick”
Voca worda: furor– a great widespread outburst of enthusiasm, fury…

3 days of lovin'......

2005-02-08T07:42:00.000+08:00

A week passed by and so many things happened. Dunno how I can possibly disclose everything without being so pompous… but then again, that’s one of my ingenious traits….

Wednesday….
Losing sucks…. But what sucks even more is the fact that I lost by default… stupid tardiness… grrrr… man, I do hope I don’t lose any more games. My goal used to be to reach at least top 3, but at the moment, top 5 will do.
I saw A Very Long Engagement, kinda disappointed, it was no Amelie….

Thursday…
Did fine in the mid-terms (crossing thy fingers), made a stupid choice with the CDs I rented… signs of an incoming sickness started to surface….

Friday…
Started to feel really unwell… suffered 30 minutes of excruciating trash talk from the original big fat obnoxious (not to mention self-absorb and arrogant) professor.
Body gave in after arriving home, tried to relax… almost had a fight on the phone with the prince and slept at exactly 9pm.

Saturday….
Still feeling a lot under the weather… lungs and throat felt like melting… tried my best to go to school especially since Eniarol asked me for help so I brought along some utilizable materials for the monologues…. After 3 minutes of travel learned that the class was cancelled, walked back home and played with my little sister to sleep…
I woke up at exactly 230, ate lunch and found out that the prince is waiting for me at SM, I hurried back home, expecting that he’ll give me a ring when I don’t show up, and he sure did, told him to just drop by and he arrived an hour later. I started to feel oh so better….
Saw PPS (pest you Brennan!!!), and during that time, an unexpected company came into sight, Leinna. Prince was quiet the entire time, didn’t really felt like telling him what’s up with the guest. Maybe I will if he ask about him, I doubt he ever will…. Leinna left, we had dinner by candlelight (no shit, cuz there was a fire-related incident, we had to turn off the lights cuz the Meralco people came by). Watched the punisher together, Thomas Jane is hot, but needs a lot of work… I mean an awful lot!!! And before I forget, received a call from home, my grandma (mom’s mom) died. I felt nothing…. But guilt… cuz I really felt nothing towards what transpired… I worried ‘bout my mom, how she’s dealing with it… I feel a little bad cuz I haven’t seen my grandma in months and my mom’s kinda not having ample time to visit them as well cuz of all the work she does at home… I’m so not the best grandson in this world, rumor has it that I may need to go to Pangasinan cuz it’s where she died and where the body’s supposed to be laid to rest, I felt really bad when I thought that “why does she have to die in the province, why can’t she just die here so there’ll be no apparent need for me to go to the province…” bad riddler…bad!!!!
I also received a text message from Eniarol saying that she’s fond of me…. And she appreciates me…. Translation---- she likes me, I dunno what kind of like that is and to what extent but I sure am glad and more confuse at the moment….

Sunday….
Spend the entire time doing everything together (excluding BATH). We saw this rerun of Survivor Amazon and I was trying to hold back my tears when this really touching scene came, but then I look at him and he was sobbing… waheheh… glad to know that I’m not the only crybaby in this relationship… wahehehe…. Prepared myself to say farewell when dusk came but I asked him to stay again for the night… and he agreed! I was so friggin’ happy. I dunno, I’m just so friggin’ lenient and natural when I am with him… though I’m a little less tactless but that is a good thing…. I love what we have together… I’m very happy and satisfied… that I can’t really put it in exact words… that’s another reason why going for Eniarol is suicide… what I have with the prince right now is seemingly perfect and taking place, but with her, I have no assurance whatsoever that she really does have feelings for me, or if she’ll ever have any…. and in case you’re wondering cuz I know you are, nothing happened…. At least not in the context of what you are thinking of…

Monday….
We woke up at 4:45; cuddle a little, prepared for school, and never felt so married in my entire life. I mean really. I remember telling him that last time, that we can so like live together…. We enjoy being indolent, spending the entire day talking and watching TV… that’s one thing I love about him, he never cares and always enjoy whatever we do as long as he does it with me… how sweet… we bid farewell, we might see each other next week or we may not cuz of my busy sked… only time will tell…

Tuesday…
It’s final or it may not be, I really dunno, I may go to the province on Thursday, and go home Saturday. If you’ll ask me, I don’t wanna go, I hate the province… totally not fit for riddler… the only thing I enjoy out there is the air, besides that, I can barely endure the rubbish rural life…. god, I’m so mean, I’m subjecting myself to scrutiny, as always… nobody does it better… waheheh…

Finally, remember how I asked you how far my P500 will go? Well, it lasted for a week, with a remaining change of----- P240… king of penny-pinching? A HA!

Mental Status: crazy….. in love???? O oh o oh o oh o no no!
Libido Meter: tranquil…
Emo Level: guilty…..
Quote: "you’re like a scar to me, ugly but permanent” - Grace to Will
Voca worda: ardor – emotional warmth; passion; eagerness

lavah palooza....

2005-02-01T07:38:00.000+08:00

I was in heaven….. well, almost….. wahehehe

This weekend passed by as fast as the bills came in, and speaking of bills, it’s the perfect segway to tell yah that last Friday, after a hard day’s work at school, I came home and found out that our electricity was cut off, yup naputulan kami!!!! My intial reaction? What the fuck?! I pay my bills!!!! You see, this is how it works in this house, I pay half of the Meralco bill and the whole phone bill. Every month I give them half of the sum, this month, it totaled 2,000+ and so I gave them a 1,000+. I dunno what the fuck they did with the money I gave them, but one thing I am sure of is that they’d better find a way to get the electricity back…. And they sure did after almost an hour….

One thing I learned though from this experience, my world seemingly stopped after our electricity was shutdown. It’s weird. When I go to sleep, the lights are off and so is the fan that’s why I don’t consider myself reliant to electricity but I realized how could I possibly use this PC if there’s no electricity. My life is all about, PC, TV, VCDs, and DVDs. I rarely go out of this house. I can withstand the heat, but not the ennui. Can you?

And what made that experience suck more, was that prince and I have plans that he’ll sleepover since it’s our monthsarry. It’ll be the first time so I was really looking forward to that. So I was really scared that I would have to cancel our plans and redesign. I’m really routing for the overnight, it may lead to something you know… wahehe…

Eventually, the initial plan pushed through. After my first and only class that Saturday, I went to SM, met some of the Bobongers first. I felt really bad that I wasn’t able to join them that day especially since Hani rarely comes to visit. I’m really sorry guys, wish ‘twas scheduled on a different day I would have not missed it. I miss you all. Anyways, after I said hi, I waited for the prince and man was I pissed. He was 45 minutes late. One thing I hate most---- is waiting. I despise people who always come late, because I’m one of those people. However, I am proud to say that I’m starting to change (yes, I am so fuck up!). For a while, I gave him a cold shoulder. I have to so he’ll learn his lesson; he never comes in time, except for that one time when he thought my class ends two hours earlier. After all the drama we went straight to our house.

Almost the entire time we were here, all we did was cuddle each other. Kisses came as fast as text messages to the Globe network. Our only break was eating, PPS (Pinoy Pop Superstar, curse you Brennan!!!) and sleeping. All the time between those was spent petting. I guess some of you are wondering if we took it to the next level, hmm… let’s just say we’re gradually moving forward and he ain’t shying away as much. That’s all you’ll get from me…. Wahehehe

He spent 28 hours in the house. How I wish he stayed longer. Can’t get enough of him, I dunno why… but there’s something about him, everytime we’re together I feel so friggin’ special. I have no idea how he does it. Ha… we’ve been together for a month and 3 days now.. no break up calls yet so I guess, he’s not like the one we do not speak of.

Speaking of the one we do not speak of, something weird happened last Saturday when the prince was here. He texted me. I was shocked! I mean, I honestly haven’t thought about him for a week now and I haven’t heard from him for years (about 2 or 3 weeks) and suddenly, out of nowhere, he messaged me. The prince saw it; felt that he was jealous, I was afraid that he’d think I am cheating on him cuz I’m definitely not. The thought of being accused of cheating when I am so not is just too deplorable for me. So I let him do the texting, I dunno exactly what he said but it was funny. And the one we do not speak of kept on texting back. I am just so frigging wondering why of all the days and the time in this frigging fucked up world he had to message me on that fateful day! I thought Fate was a friend of mine… waheheheh

This is weird, honestly I don’t wanna talk about her no more cuz the paparazzi’s been feeding on this shit, but I can’t help myself, I’m just so addicted to her. wah… I gotta stop myself from whining about her. There’s no point!!!! Wake up little riddler wake up!!!!! There are things in this world that aren’t meant for you, and for me, that will be her! So cut myself no slack and move it!

I’ll end this entry by requesting you to visit my other blog and watch the last one I reviewed. It’s Magnifico and it’s just friggin’ brilliant! I cried incessantly for the last 30 minutes of it. Hai, I still have a hangover from all the lavah palooza last weekend. Need to get it out from my system. Man, I’m broke…. How far can P500 reach? The countdown starts today….

Mental Status: stupor
Libido Meter: regenerated
Emo Level: torn between two lovers…
Quote: "O buhay, walang katapusang dusa" (Life… a never ending misery) ---Lorna Tolentino in Magnifico
Voca worda: thaumaturgy – the supposed working of miracle or magic

boi...confuse....

2005-01-26T06:52:00.000+08:00

Oh, man, I dunno how to describe wha’t going on right now…. I can’t believe it’s happening. After weeks of anticicpation….. do you have a guess??? You’re probabaly not right….

Nope, it’s not what you’re thinking of, I finally have a time-off!Yup! I can’t believe it either… I’m looking at my planner and there’s not much to do today. It’s f*cking unbelievable. And the free time runs till tomorrow. Not much in line that day as well. Man, how I missed my time of leisure… waheheh….

Anyways, if you’re wondering why I’m writing this soon, aside from my free time, something really weird happened the other day. Eniarol said something that made my blood propel, my temparature rise and my heart pound. And I can’t belive how stupid I am to react that way from a single phrase. It’s not the three beloved words but it is as if it is. Oh, man what’s going on with me.

You see, she was suppose to go home, I was chatting with somebody when, if I remember right, I asked someone preceding her where she’s going. She answered SM and then bursting out of nowhere, Eniarol uttered the three words… “sabay ka na”. Man I felt my heart melt. I felt the earth move under my skin, i feel the sky tumbling down... And I know I’m suppose to be happy about it but I am not, well I am, but I am worried, I dunno exactly what I’m worried about but I’m going crazy…. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I remember two days ago I was ready to corroborate that I do love the prince, and now, I’m reacting like these from 3 stupid words!!!! Man, I can’t believe how pathetic I’ve grown to become. Oh, man, it makes me wonder how I will react if she touch my face with those bare hands, so smooth and delicate as if they were of a new born, wah, I’m starting to be poetic again…, wahahahah… not for me....not for this journal at least.

I’m so confused, perplexed, baffled and bamboozled…. Hai… I can’t understand me no more. I have to re-examine everything again. But one thing I do know for sure is that I can’t allow myself to fall for her… I just can’t… It’s suicide.. if I was afraid before because she’s conservative, well, now, I’m terrified. She can’t and won’t accept me, prejudice yes, but that’s the reality, and I know it… I just can’t believe how much I enjoyed that moment and wished it never ended.

Enough of this bullshit, man, since some of my fellow PLMaers already know this, word may come out, but I don’t give a shit, I made this blog just how I like it.. I say it as it is, I tell them as they are… this is the real deal, if you can’t accept it, go fuck yourself!

Mental Status: bababababaBAMbooozzzled…
Libido Meter: pedro has a problem
Emo Level: in love??????with whom?????
Quote: “sabay ka na!”
Voca worda: misogamy- hatred of marriage

the NEW STAR in a Million, in love???--- not!!!

2005-01-24T06:52:00.000+08:00

It’s been a week since the last time… hai.. I’ve been so busy, c’mon if anyone’s entitled to skip for a week in posting that would be me… I’m running two blogs, trying to maintain a relationship, feeding the assholes in this house for a week now and I’m still studying. I know this one is suppose to be the easier one to uphold but my time is consumed by the other blog cuz it needs more thinking, creativity and all that shit, plus I have to spend at least 90 minutes for the movie… story of my blog life… waheheh

If you’re waiting for an update with regards to my love life, well, ha… I think I finally realized that I do love him…. I mean I’m trying my best not to cuz I’m scared, I don’t wanna make the same mistake again and be left in torment. If ever I’m going to fully commit myself again, I want to make sure that it’s gonna last, at least long enough for me not to be disgruntled.

You see, I really do love the idea of us not sleeping together not even have a JO session in concert. I feel that it’s better. Yeah, I’ve been trying to tease him a little but he won’t give in, always protective of his not-so-little prince (believe me I know) and won’t let me take his hands where the sun doesn’t shine (UK?). Yesterday when I hugged him while talking him to sleepover. I found myself really wanting him to never leave me, to not runaway from my little arms that encompass his fine stature, though I know it’ll be just for awhile… oh, my god, nahahawa na ako sa kaPOETan ng ibang PLMaers na bloggers, ang sagwa (I’ve been infected by the POETIC shitties of my fellow PLMaer bloggers, totally peculiar). Our monthsarry is coming up, hmm, 5 days from now, I just hope he won’t break-up with me 3 days after that.

Oh, speaking of that, he found the sweet nothings left in my inbox from the one we do not speak of. I found a tiny bit of jealousy in him and he asked me to obliterate them all. Hmm.. honestly I haven’t read that for almost a month already. Since we’ve been together. When the time came for me to expunge those messages, I didn’t even bother to read them no more. It’s been a long time coming, but it came nonetheless…. I’m finally released, thanx to my prince who’s giving more than I could possibly imagine. Despite his restrictions, he always finds a way to contact me and see me, even surprise me. I guess it really won’t be wrong to fall in love with him, wish I could totally ditch this fear from me so I can fully savor each moment….

Enough with my love nuisances, time to share with you another experience of mine. Yesterday, I finally had the balls to undergo rejection once more. I came with Noime at the ABS-CBN compound. I kinda made-up my mind that I’m singing Ribbon in the Sky since some Erik-Santos-looking-gay boi sang Get Here at the other night’s episode of Pinoy Pop Superstar. We found out they’re not suppose to entertain new auditioness no more but according to them, since we took the time to fall in line, they’re giving us the chance. From the regular 30-45 secs audition time we’re only given 15 secs to do our thang…. But before I finally got the chance to flaunt my thang.. . something completely irritating, considerably degrading, undeniably disgusting and absolutely worth ranting about happened….

All the newcomers were on the line when this fat gay man who happens to be nothing but an alalay (maid) asked us to sing one-by-one. He acts as if he’s allowed to employ judgment, when well in fact he’s not. He asked me several times whether I’m really willing to audition and whether I want is so badly. He even made me sing twice and just say I’ll think about it! Who the fuck does he think he is? I felt so offended that I told Noime that we should just leave. I won’t put up with this kind of shit. I even start to swear that I ain’t gonna sing no more. But then after awhile we were all asked to go upstairs and audition.

As I watch those who tried before me, I realize that it is not going to be easy. They’re tougher than ever and those who one would normally think will get in, fails to get through. It was that scary. That’s how high their standards were. Noime sang first before me and she kinda went outta tune. The entire time I was inside I was thinking about what I’m gonna sing. I’ve been chopping of the parts of my supposed piece and at the last minute I decided to sing Harder to Breathe since I heard the judges say they’re looking for a younger sound.

The next thing I know, the spotlights on me. I said my name, held my breath and sang. I know I sounded quite quirky and I swear I thought my end was coming. Then the judge spoke, it was A. Gamboa, I can’t remembr his first name. He said, “Okay na okay yung pagkanta (the voice is very okay) but it’s not just the image we’re looking for”. How did I react? I smiled, laughed and danced my way down to the ground floor. After that fat queer almost categorically say I don’t have the looks nor the voice, that comment alone made me wanna scream in joy! I mean, this guy’s the president of Trumpets and he said that I can really sing!!!! That’s definitely good enough for me. I realized that I’m not really going in these auditions to actually qualify cuz I know deep inside that it’s really not me they’re looking for, but somehow, I find myself trying. And it’s all because I want some assurance. Someone of rank in the music industry to tell me, that yeah, dawg you can carry a tune! And I finally got it.

I remember Cielo saying, that at least you’ve proven that you can sing, never mind the looks we can work on that or something to that effect. Hai… this shit’s been so long already… gotta get outta here… need to buy some rice for us today and guess where the money’s gonna come from? You betcha! From my own pocket!!!

Mental Status: still crazy about the comment
Libido Meter: pretty low…
Emo Level: in love??????
Quote: “Okay na okay yung pagkanta (the voice is very okay) but it’s not just the image we’re looking for”
Voca worda: cachinnate – to laugh laudly or too much

the pirates of Quiapo: selling the prince and me

2005-01-17T09:03:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was crazy… Saturday I went to Ai’s b-day, I was asked to sing so I did, had a couple of mishaps, actually a lot of those waheheh…. Some of my classmates decided to stay at our house, they all did and I witnessed something crazy but I ain’t sharing…

Man, I had so much to do with so little time to do it…. Have I mentioned that sometime last week I bought my first pirated CD and DVD, well, it was a funny experience and I’ve learned something. I should only buy pirated ones for art films and etc. but when it comes to the cds, I’m buying them all aheheh…. Imagine P10 for the whole Alicia Keys album! That’s a lot of savings! And the album sounded like the original… I won’t say though that I’m totally happy with what I’m doing, FUCK THIS, I AM HAPPY WITH WHAT I AM DOING!!! Ahehee in fact, I just bought 3 more DVDs and 6 CDs today…. So much for respecting intellectual property rights. I hope my karma ain’t coming down soon.

Remember what I said about me and prince actually not doing it, well, we still haven’t done it but I think he wanna do it already. Now here’s the problem I feel like not doing it yet. It’s not that I don’t wanna do it with him it’s more of I’m just enjoying what we have right now, slightly committed with not much pressure. Sex changes everything, no matter what other people say. There’s a certain pact made after that exchange of fluids. Though I am quite sure that I will not be the one who’ll cost the pain in the relationship, I need to be more protective of myself. Wouldn’t wanna have the same shit with the one we do not speak of. Waheheh

By the way the prince called last night, and he actually broke up with me… no I’m just kidding, that’s what he said. He told me he wanna break up with me and then said he was just joking. I was pissed. But the always calm and understanding me let it pass. For a while I had a flash of fear, that fear of going to the process of being alone again and trying to find that somebody. I realized I’m not yet ready for that. It was more of that fear than because I love him so much. I’m afraid of losing him cuz riddler don’t wanna be looking for another royalty. He was drunk by the way.

The Golden Globes will be aired later I have to watch it to find out whether my predictions were right. I was looking for the copy of Sideways but there ain’t selling any. I guess I would have to wait for it in the cinema. If Finding Neverland and Closer ain’t showing next week someone’s going back to the island. I’ve seen those being sold in the pirate’s haven.

Hmm, a lot of my classmates are starting to flood the blog world. Ahehe.. I have to fix my links. Hiding this shit ain’t useful no more cuz they’ve already found it. Pisses me off but what can I do. And besides, I’m very nice to them, ahehe, but I would have to halt myself from sharing my nasty thoughts. Ahehe.. to all you new bloggers, welcome to the world of self-promotion. Ahehe, if people don’t understand you in person, in here you have all the freedom to reveal who you really are… enjoy!

Mental Status: bothered
Libido Meter: ain't getting up...
Emo Level: just as bothered
Quote: “i assumed you fuck someone tonight, isn't that how you get people to like you?” - jim Carrey, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Voca worda: traverse - to pass over; to examine carefully et al.

school..job..sex..baby!

2005-01-12T05:13:00.000+08:00

It’s been crazy these past few days, my world’s turning ‘round and round and I feel as if I have no control over it….

Katam is really back, my effort has all been purged but I’m still trying… in fact, I’m going to sacrifice most of my time to do school works, that’s my priority aside from the prince of course.

My big fat obnoxious professor is really starting to do well, in fact, I’m starting to learn from her, all she has to do really is turn down that ego a bit… it’s doing her no good… plus she did mention that our class lack the ability to prioritize. I’m guilty, that’s why I started that organizer thing so I can plan everything since I’m so oblivious.

Lolo Ella gave me this link about yehey entertaining articles from independent writers and all, I just read it, though it’s not a paying job (it’s more of a perks giving job) it will be a good training for me, I mean I don’t think I can possibly be a great writer but at least good enough to be published on yehey….

Oh, before I forget a Eniarol found this blog…. Shit!shit! and shit!, in fact she might be reading this shit right now, if she is, then she’ll find out hat’s truly up…. Man, I think she knows it already, she’s just pretending to be clueless and all…..

I’m meeting the prince later, we’re suppose to meet on Saturday but he said he can’t wait that long…. Haha… the riddler’s charm cannot broken aheheh before I frget, his aunt don’t approve of me and it was strange cuz she texted me last Monday afternoon saying that the prince hit his head and he’s 50/50 in the hospital. I didn’t freak out or anything, but I was a little worried cuz he didn’t call that night, it’s a good thing he called last night, at least I know that he’s perfectly well….

I’m thinking of whether I should tell him about his Yen-like problem or not, if symptoms still persist then I should tell him. it better comes from me that anybody else right? Hahaha, I swear I know u don’t have a clue what I’m talking bout… aheheh

And just in case you don’t know, we’re not sleeping together. He don’t wanna and I’m fine with it, and I’m not even cheating on him, in person or otherwise. In fact, I’m liking it, I kinda loss my appetite for sex as well, it’s so overrated….. I’m not sure for how long I’ll be fine with it my guess--- for a pretty long time…. low

Mental Status: diminishing paranoia
Libido Meter: oh so low….
Emo Level: down
Quote: “imagine a world without me”
Voca worda: cackle – silly talk or chatter

KATAM stikes back....

2005-01-07T05:13:00.000+08:00

Ha… for the first four days of this year, I have been able to fight my “katam” or laziness. But yesterday and the other day, man it hit me once again. Wah… hopefully this will stop soon…. I really need to be stronger and more dedicated with this… haha.. I’m really taking this shit seriously, cuz I really have to if I wanna change….

Anyways, the prince is fine, cuter than I thought he’ll be but kinda have the same problem as Yen, hopefully, it will be fixed soon…. Hai…

My big fat obnoxious professor is starting to come together, damn, I hope that bitch gives me a good grade…. Or I’m gonna slit her throat and sell her per kilo at the Blumentritt market.

Anyways found this at some friend finding site’s bulletin board and this shit’s cool…. Read it….

: cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!!! If you can udernatnsd tihs rdanieg, rpeost it!!! NOW!

Amazing isn’t it?????? Man, it’s so cool…….

Before I forget, man, I firmly endorse Aishite Imasu, it was one hell of a movie….. unbelievably brilliant of a film…. The best OPM of 2004!!!! Okay, now I have to go, still have loads of stuff to finish….

Mental Status: still in awe over that reading thing..
Libido Meter: low----still!!!
Emo Level: low too…
Quote: “dahil sa aking pag-iisa sa krusadang patuloy na makairal sa larangan ng pagtula sa Filipino sa isang bansang iilan o halos walang mambabasa nito" (because of my aloneness in a crusade that continues to persist in the field of Filipino poetry in a country where a few or almost none really reads it).
Voca worda: horology (n)– the science of measurign time and making timepieces

my big fat obnoxious professor...

2005-01-03T16:35:00.000+08:00

Damn it, it’s been a not so fun day for me… hai,, first day of class since the holiday and you get the worst scenario. Damn, I really hate that fat uptight bitch……. Grrrrrrrrr….. she’s so disorganized, inexplicably arrogant and I learned nothing from her….
I guess I have to wish that dean’s list goodbye…. Hai…..

I’m glad by the response I received with regards to my blog… I really wish I have more time to fix this shit…

Haha.. I just remembered maybe that was a week ago.. a porn site upon seeing some of my explicit untraceable pictures asked me if I am interested to work for them.. hahaa.. I don’t think so…. Me, in a porn video? Nah… I may need money but I’m not that desperate… aheheh.. but I’m flattered… certifies my twinkiness aheheh..

The prince haven’t called yet… who’s that? I don’t know, do you know?

Mental Status: psycho teacher killer
Libido Meter: low
Emo Level: mad but handling it….
Quote: “Ako ang magbibigay ng kailangan nila at hindi maghahanap ng kailangan ko sa kanila”
“I’ll be the one to give their needs, and will never try to look for my needs in them”
-Andes, Itak by Jose A. Bragado
Voca worda: insipient (adj.) – not wise; stupid

pledges for the new year....

2005-01-01T16:35:00.001+08:00

I acknowledge the fact that I’m not perfect, I’m close, but not quite yet. Ahehe… seriously, I have lots to learn and quite a lot of time to be taught, but I believe I should not waste any more of that time, the earlier I learn the better…. So here are some of my new year’s pledge….

STOP my mañana habit… most of my regrets came from my inability to do things as soon as I have the chance to accomplish it. If I have the time, I must do it, stop wasting it on some lame ass TV show and chatting with some knuckleheads.

BE mores of my life….

…….. serious with my studies
…….. industrious with everything
……. closer to my family
…….. erratic, spontaneous and crazy
…….. generous, understanding and friendly
…….. honest
……...vain
………faithful to thy love one

Start READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start writing!!!!!! (does not include movie reviews and blog entries)

Be on time!!!!!!

Stop starving myself

Prioritize my health

Save!save!save!

Stop being a biatch…

Convince myself to not look for the one but for someone…

Expound my singing career while I still can.. haha!

Really try to find a part-time job

More auditions…

Be an alcoholic

Watch and buy pirated DVD’s and CDs.. up to now I’m skeptical about this one.. my artist’s conscience keep on telling me to be respectful.. I dunno… wah…

Since it’s my pedro’s year… give it more doze of fun and excitement… hahaha!

This is all for now, hopefully, I’ll be able to accomplish all of these without resulting to harakiri ahehehe….

2004 revealed..... a gutsy ballsy year for me!

2004-12-31T16:35:00.000+08:00

It’s time for my seasonal rundown of some of the events that transpired this year… overall, it was a crazy year, a few ups and a lot of downs but what matter is I learned from it….. as if…..

MOTO_ALERT @ no. 10
Finally got myself a new phone as my birthday present to myself. Enjoying every bit of the camera action.

FAST and CASUAL @ no. 9
Experienced my first one-night stand that left a perpetual trauma...

@ no. 8--- close encounters with the same kind..
I’m exploring who I can be I’m trying to know what I’m all about ahehe I realized that I do have a pretty good market for myself…. on a much wholesome note, i found my crazy counterparts, thanx to Bob Ong...

Talking brave @ no. 7
… faced most of my fears and inhibitions…. Auditions being one of them…

shrieking it’s way @ no. 6 are my Melodic screw-ups
I screeched on a hoobastank song at my first full-band performance… forgot the lyrics of wherever you will go…. but wowed the audience with my infamous version of just once at my first singing competition....

Proudly speaking @ no. 5
I’m Officially a self-proclaimed movie critic….. had short-lived column at the A2 newspaper and finally released my own movie blog last July...

Sadly @ no. 4
First BF and a 2-month long heartbreak… need no expounding.

And continuously mourns @ no. 3
Lost almost the 2 entire seasons of my journal… and decided to make an online chronicle instead and it’s what you’re reading right now…

Still confused @ no. 2
I turned legal and chose the middle path, will I go to the left, head to the right or remain in the middle? That I don’t know yet but I’m enjoying and at the same time, cursing every minute of it….

And finally @ no. 1
I’m starting to know myself better, I’m beginning to realize what I am truly capable of and what I genuinely lack. With that I became a better person, it’s a long road to holiness but I’m way far from the starting line….

I know only a handful of people know this blog but Thanx to everyone who made my life happy and sad this year. it's definitely much crazier than i actually though it'll be... thanx to all the BB members that i'm somewhat close with... to all my fellow bloggers thanx fr the visit... to ___ who inspired me to make a blog at least that i'm thankful for... and my no. 1 fan Don ahehe you rock dude!

And to all the readers of my movie blog, thanx for the support your comments, suggestions and reactions i truly value.. no matter what i say ahehehe.... thanx very much....

Death all over... but Brew is alive!!!

2004-12-20T06:50:00.000+08:00

Death is everywhere… am sure glad it ain’t hit this part of the realm… in case it does, the 3 useless dogs in this house will be the perfect choice…

I am pissed beyond description with our professor in Info. Tech. Given the chance, I would definitely kick his ass or maybe screw him with something sharp so the friggin’ fag would learn her lesson. Grrr… he’s stupid, arrogant and demanding… as if I can learn a lot from him!!! Screw him….

Brew and I finally met up, after more than a month, I was excited to meet him, I love him still, although I am not sure as to what extent that love reach…. I’m not sure whether I love him as a really special friend or romantically… whatever it is… I love the guy….

He looked a little different, he said I’m getting whiter (thanx to Mae’s papaya soap). We met at Figaro, and he still smokes, surprisingly! We looked for a place to eat and we decided to go to Shakey’s. Usually, when it’s meal without rice, I don’t get full… but that Bunch of Lunch was something…. I was stuffed for the next 5 hours… We didn’t watch any movie cuz there was nothing shown that entice me into it…. We decide to just head home…

We watched Stepford, it’s the third time I’ve seen it, and man, I still laugh as if there’s no tomorrow.. we also saw the butterfly effect and well, let’s just say Mariah’s butterfly had more effect on me…. Then we had the talk, and routinely, I asked him, he declined…. Even adding that if he ever have a bf at the moment, he’d probably just cheat on him… cuz he really loves Marvin, and he loves me as well, but I don’t believe it anymore or at least buy it… the latter that is….

It was fun having him around, it’s what I thought the most secure I ever felt… he went home early the next day, I dropped by our place and something astonishing cropped up, my little sister, spontaneously hugged me. That was the most secure I’ve ever felt, I was delighted at that moment, I was in ecstasy… wouldn’t exchange that for anything….

I’ve already done about a quarter of my Christmas shopping, I’ve got 5 days to go before Enteng Kabisote day,. Yup, you read that right, I’m watching this shit. It’s a tradition of our family to go out during holidays and watch a movie, last year we separated cuz they watched some crazy cheap movie, while my sister and I saw Crying Ladies. Since I found the trailer of the movie very interesting, I’d go ahead and watch it…

I’m glad that I’m okay now... sober and tranquil at the very least. I remember telling Naig that I’ve given a cut-off date for our relationship. Ends up, we lasted for just a month… man, I keep on remembering that song from Kyla which is so perfect for my situation right now…

All I ask is just a little HONESTY though I know, that you’re NOT coming back to me….

Bluer than blue…. Is dark blue

2004-12-15T06:46:00.000+08:00

What a true gift modern technology is to all… after much anticipation, a little sucking-up and pretension, at long last, I acquired the bluetooth device from my elementary friend…. Mark Abaya wanted so badly to get out off my phone into my PC so the whole blog world can see our intimate time together… wahahahah…. I’m so hoping he don’t get to read this one aheheheh… as if….

Before I continue, I would like you dear reader, to take a moment of silence, to pray for the soul of our beloved action king—Fernando Poe JR. if you didn’t know, he was my second choice last election, next to Raul Roco, I’d rather have an inexperienced leader than Gloria. Seriously, I cried watching the coverage from the different news programs, it was something. He’s one of those people that you can’t speak dire of. He’s a moving image of kindness and generosity. Hai… life, truly stingy to those who deserve it more….

Enough of the mushy stuff, no message from brew yet since the last time, no text messages, no calls, not even a new entry on his blog. He’s either completely hiding from me or just too busy working and screwing that he can no longer lift a finger to type. Hmm…. Tough choices…. Anyways, I am acting like this because I’m worried and I miss him… I just hope he’ll have the balls to tell me to go away if that’s what he really wants me to do.. I guess I need and deserve that…

This is funny, but I actually start to think about Yen, remember him? My supposed bf after brew but I erased him from my list cuz he disappeared without giving me the chance to break-up with him cuz his nose is bigger than mine, his breath sucks and he has a body odor? I thought that if I didn’t gave him a cold shoulder when he dropped by and completely alienated him, we could still be together, which is quite horrific… eewww….. it’s a good thing I was still in love with Brew that time, imagine me falling for someone like that… don’t think so too…

School’s almost over, semester is far from over and Christmas is fast-approaching. At 3,000 pesos what can you get this holiday season for gifts and clothing? Man, I am so broke… I might have to start hanging socks just so I’d get something for free… last Christmas, the only gift I received (aside from cash donations of course) was a what was it again from my sister. This year hopefully I’ll nab 3. Why should I always be the one who gives? It’ll be okay if I have lots to give but I don’t.

My friend’s father will be buried today…. It’s weird cuz she didn’t shw any signs of depression, mourning or whatever.. her mom even made a joke about getting a new hubby and someone younger this time just so it won’t die easily… hahaha… but of course, deep inside I know they’re in pain… her father was still young, 51… why is everybody dying this past few days? Hai…

punish me....

2004-12-10T05:43:00.000+08:00

These are exact messages posted on his tagboard….

riddler: u cud hav tld me dat erlier.. s2pid me 2 wori bout u...
brew: bhe, sorry talaga. waaa... i needed wdnsdy for rest. grabe. nakakapagod...
riddler: r u still alive?

What do u expect me to say? Thanx I really appreciate it? I can’t twig the sense on what he did… I just don’t… Yah, I may not have the right to ask for his time (just so you know, I didn’t ask him to treat me, he offered) because we’re not together anymore, but at least he could have told me the day before that he won’t make it or even inform me that he lost his cell (I assume so because it cannot be reach) or he changed his number…. A simple “Hello! Can’t make it, too tired to go out, bye!” would do….

If he no longer wants me to be a part of his life it’s okay… as far as I am concerned, telling me that you don’t wanna hear or have anything to do with me ever is better than completely being ignored and be left expectant.

Hai… I forgave him already even though I’m still a little mad…. This will fade, besides I am the always forgiving and ever trusting fool… plus, I still love him… I should be punish for this… or the next thing you know, I’m the one wooing him again, can’t afford that to happen…

Anyways, I met D earlier. As I expected, we didn’t click. And the ever hopeful thought that I should try since if I really am looking for the one, I don’t think he’s someone who has everything you’re looking for… or is he/she? But still didn’t work… yin yang thing…

Something bizarre is going on, my good friend Gnaz has been texting me a lot recently, and with those short sms, “labyu” in different forms is always included. At first I thought it was nothing, knowing that she’s a good friend and sees me nothing more than that. But lately it’s been crazy… call me assuming, but man, it’s odd, she texts me before she go to sleep or whenever she’s heading somewhere, I mean come on, you don’t do that with a friend right? I hope this is nothing, I hope I really am imagining things because if not, I dunno what the hell I’m gonna do…. I just don’t….

missing BREW!!!!!! have you seen him?

2004-12-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

This might be it…
Me and brew finally over…
Not lovers, not friends, not anything…

I never wished for this to end up this way…
I never chose to travel this path…
It’s just what destiny lurk me into…
Up to how long, forever I guess…

A few hours ago, it was these thoughts that prowled in mind. I texted Brew about our supposed meeting tomorrow, he never replied. My reaction was practical, I was furious. Who wouldn’t be? That was suppose to be last weekend but he said he have work, I believed him. He promised that we’ll go tomorrow, Wednesday, but he hasn’t left any messages of any sort to me regarding the time and the place or anything in particular! Now tell me why wouldn’t I be bothered?

I was so ready to tell him already to get lost, I called his cell, but then, something’s wrong. It cannot be reach. That was shocking, brew never run out of battery. That was almost 7 hours ago, if he’s in work, he would have had his break already and had the chance to check out his phone for messages. I tried to call at their house but I hung up after a few rings.

Damn it, I’m worried sick. Now I’m starting to feel guilty. One who constantly reads this shit must be friggin wanting to hit my head with a bat just so I’d wake up. I mean, I should be really mad at him. And just completely hate him because he tuned into some sick liar. But here I am, still thinking that there must be some valid reason why he hasn’t communicated with me yet. And I’m so worried that something might have happened to him.

Man, I hope I can sleep. I’d still try to contact him. Leave him a message at yahoo or something. Oh, I dunno what to do…

the crazy typhoon....

2004-12-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

Something really crazy is going on…. Last Monday, right before I went to bed, Dlanoj (CEU) called me as I predicted and we had fun talking but I had to sleep early because of my class the next morning. When I was already sleeping, suddenly my cell phone rang and it was Tap, I was surprised and then a minute later, the telephone rang, so I picked it up and it was Dlanoj, I panicked and so I told D that I have to hang up cuz I was talking with somebody on my mobile phone, I could barely hear him so I didn’t know how he reacted I just dropped the phone as fast as I can. Then I spoke with T and he’s not quite the person I “pictured” him to be. He sounded Bisayan, I dunno but he’s provincial accent definitely caught me off guard. I don’t like his voice, it’s irritating, it’s funny and call me phony and rude but it’s really not how he projected to me. Now I know why he barely text me in Filipino, it’s because he might misspell it. Haha. So I kinda started to distant myself from him, I don’t text him unless he does first, I can’t totally snob him yet cuz I wanna meet him first this Saturday so he can assist me when I go to my application at Makati. Oh my god am I becoming the USER that I’ve always been? Hahahah!

After that peculiar incident, D texted me and he was a little pissed I know. I replied by saying that it was my aunt who called in my cell and I was sorry. And then I slept.

The next day, I woke up early. At 4:45 am. However, I end up leaving the house at 7, 30 minutes behind the time that I was expected to be in school. I met my classmates at the shrine of Andres Bonifacio. It’s his day. I had to wait for a jiffy before a familiar face surfaced and I was already infuriated when that happened. The guys decided to all come to my place to watch porn and so we bought some and went straight to our house. After awhile, more of my classmates arrived and that was the largest crowd that stayed inside my room at the same time. I think we were 10 or 12. It was fun. We all saw the Stepford Wives and it was very funny still. After they have all gone I just kinda unwind a bit and I terribly forgot that it was Sex and the City day, man! What if brew decided to go out this Saturday? I’ll miss 1 episode this last season. Damn it!

Wednesday, it was a nice morning, was almost late for my PE class. Well, It’s weird, but I’m kinda flirting with Eniarol, remember her? The girl who I almost fell in love with who I think right now I’m kinda really in love with but I’m trying so hard to suppress it cuz I feel like it’s not going to work. Since when does falling for a girl weird? Ahahah! I dunno,, but I’m kinda teasing her all the time, my way of asking for her attention, and hopefully affection—yeah right! Dream on dude!

Enough of the nasty heterosexual story aheheh… I saw bridget jones’ diary 2, and well, it would have been better if I was watching it with someone I love. It was terribly romantic. God damn it! Baby I need some lovin’ aheheh.

I was drained after arriving home, I just stayed inside like I always do, decided not to go to Khowee’s gig no more. That night the rain was pretty hard, so I have no idea if D’s plan of meeting up the next day will push through. It didn’t happen. Classes were suspended and a super typhoon is about to hit Manila by storm! It’s as big as the entire country! Well, almost as big. I was so glad there ain’t classes no more cuz I really didn’t felt like going into mine. I just dropped by Bryan’s place one of the Bobongers where all of them are hangin’ out. We just chat and all that…. It’s nice seeing them all again, especially Kat who happens to have the same nickname as the greatest love of my life. Haha! I care immensely for her.

I arrived home at about 4, slept for about an hour and felt really dizzy afterwards. Actually, I felt really sick after leaving Bryan’s house. The wound in my mouth just won’t heal and I’m in terrible pain. I hope it goes away pretty soon. It’s pretty sore. I think I just had a fever because of it. I took in a medicine and hopefully it will work, if not, I would have to resort to using “tawas” to get it off. Who would wanna do that?
The phone sucks because of the weather. D and I can’t talk properly because of it. GRrr!! Just when we have all the free time in the world, this shit happens! The rain just stopped right now. Classes are suspended for today as well and I don’t know yet whether I’ll have class tomorrow. Hopefully no more. I ain’t sure yet as well if I’m going to go to Convergys tomorrow for the assessment. I might just be not ready for it at the moment cuz my wound still sucks! My Get Spotted stint still ain’t shown yet, hopefully tonight.

Before I forget, Brew already texted me a couple of days ago, he did without reading the previous entry, I was a little touched but I’m not falling for it. It’s another trap, must stay out of it! I hope he laughs at this one ahehe….

FInally..........

2004-11-29T23:57:00.000+08:00

Saturday, I finally got a call from brew, after texting him a gazillion times (well 3 or more) without getting any response. He called after he arrived home from work and we talked for hours. I don’t wanna think it’s me, but I’m starting to feel that he’s losing interest in me. Before he doesn’t want to commit, and now, I feel like he’s irritated by me again and just don’t wanna have anything to do with me anymore. He said he didn’t have any load for 6 days, but as much as I would like to believe it, I’ll be stupid not to even be incredulous about it. That’s one of the things I admired about him, his honesty, and this time I don’t think he’s in any way sincere. I’m starting to feel like he’s just trying to form the words to say “don’t bother me no more”, yah he’ll probably come to his defense after reading this and say I’m overreacting, I’m being selfish knowing he’s been having a tough time, well, that’s what I’m convincing myself with, until it hit me….

…. Why am I doing these? I know I don’t have the right to be jealous or be upset by all of these cuz we’re not together. He has no responsiblity whatsoever to notify me of what he's doing whre he's at or how he's been. He’s not committed to me, but the problem was I’m still hoping he’ll be. But then he made it clear yesterday, when I asked him, he said it straight “I’m not ready to commit with anybody except Muppet”, oh yes, how can I forget, the muppet looking man who never left his heart and I’m afraid will never leave. There’s no chance in hell that I’ll win over him, he certainly have a lot of things that I don’t have…. Let’s make a list shall we

1. Height: he’s 5’9 I’m 5-3 I definitely lose here
2. Age: he’s 25 I’m 18 not quite sure who wins here
3. Wallet size: he’s a brat I’m a breadwinner
4. Experience: I’ve been doing this for 3 months, he’s been doing this his entire life.. hehe
5. Brains: I’m not sure…. I think I’m smarter but who knows*
6. Spatial skills: he’s an architecture grad. I’m a master of stick drawing, you decide!
7. Music: I saw him with a guitar I dunno if he plays them but I can sing!!!!!*
8. Dancing: I’m a dancer dunno bout him but brew doesn’t like to dance so it doesn’t matter but I’ll add it anyway..haha*
9. Coffee: he drinks it, I puke it!
10. Alcohol: he pukes it! I’m scared of it…
11. Drugs: I’ve tried it. I dunno bout him but this one’s irrelevant so not counted
12. Cig: he smokes it, I cough it…
13. Location: we’re both far from him but I’m nearer, however, he has a car.

Scoreboard: ME- 3 points (*)
Muppet- 9 points

So I totally lose here, hai, no wonder it’s him he loves… I decided something today, I can’t reveal it yet, but I will probably tell it within this week. I promise!!!! Poor me, I should have moved on by now, but certainly I have not. And how could I possibly do that? Instead of running away from him I keep on waiting for his text or his call. And for the record he haven’t texted me for more than a week now. And that’s the truth. Ha… just by this you can picture how clung I am to him up to now. When will I be able to move on??? Have to find out soon… last night, I feel so bad for myself I was eagerly waiting for his call since he said he would call, when the phone rang not knowing that it was just my classmate I was so perky thinking that he finally called and all my doubts shall be washed away….. feeble me….

Wah… my thoughts are all over the place, this entry sucks… it’s almost 6, I’m awaiting the showing of my TV exclusive appearance on MTV… only 8 minutes to go before Get Spotted, don’t wanna call nobody to watch it, I’m afraid of having been cut from it, won’t be able to stand the humiliation…. Not this time… it’s enough that I humiliate myself everytime I try to find a way to get through to brew. Anyways, no classes today, and it’s been raining pretty hard, I am stuck here at home and I’m suppose to write a paper for our stupid fat ass professor on world literature. Man, I want him killed and delivered at La Loma. Mang Tomas would love to sauce him up, Grrrr…… I wasn’t able to clean the room today... what for? Nobody goes here anyway…

Before I go, I told him I’ll mention his name, Don, the one who’s so diligently replied to my entries, I like him a lot. He’s in New York right now and he’s going through somewhat the same shit as I am. If he’s here we’ll be perfect together as friends or maybe more. Thanks dude, for making my mornings bright.

And finally, I started chatting again in bi/gay rooms and I found a couple of people. One of which I’ve been talking to and he’s studying at CEU, one is from CSB and the last one works in Makati. I dunno who’s in the lead..haha.. Dlanoj (CEU) and I have been talking today as if there’s no tomorrow, he’s quite irritating but cute…. And just a few minutes ago I dropped the phone after he played a prank on me pretending to be somebody else saying he’s testing me… how silly…. He’ll call later…. Legna (CSB) is quite chubby, which I despise, not totally cute but, totally far and totally rich. Tap (Makati) and I have met weeks ago, he was suppose to be my first seb but he was too far so I kinda backed out which he totally held against me but we’re cool now and he said he’s very interested to get into a relationship with me he’s 25 though but I don’t care. I think at least by his age he gotta be more mature and sincerely ready to commit and not just play me around and hurt me in the end…

I wasn’t show in Get Spotted because it wasn’t the episode at PLM I wonder when they’ll show ours… hmm… I hope soon… very soon…

riddler invades Convergys and MTV!!!!!

2004-11-28T09:44:00.000+08:00

Howdie! It’s bean almost a week since my last entry and man I am so busy. Well, if you consider staring at the ceiling and watching an ample amount of TV busy, then I am. Some unexpected events took place these past few days. You see, classes have been continusly cut-off to pave way to some conference/seminars. Last Tuesday. Our 7-10 class was cut short and we’re spared from our classes for the rest of the day. We went to the main campus where the supposed seminar was to be held and it was about Personality Development. It was fun, the lady reminded me of my highschool T.H.E. professor, but the latter is quite classier.

Wednesday, we finally met our PE professor, and they say he’s nonsense, well, I think so too. After that I head to the mall to watch Alexander, and boy oh boy that movie was so gay. Jarred Leto was so sizzling hot looking like a man on the edge of being a drag queen. And the sizzy Jonathan was so good as well. Colin was able to pull of the bi attitude. Read the full review in my other blog.

Thursday, we went to another seminar and that one was a little boring, but it’s okay. Later in the afternoon I found out that Convergys, a call-center company is looking for applicants in our school not just for full-time but for part-time as well. So I gave it a shot, it’s what I’m looking for. The girl interviewed me and 2 more people after an hour of waiting. And during that conversation I said I’m going to try to study French this summer, well, if I get hired I really would. So I got in and I’m suppose to report on the 4th of December, I’m worried cuz I have no idea where the hell it is, but it’s somewhere along Ayala in Makati.

After that interview I went to the mall, looking for my classmates and I found them doing some karaoke. I sang with them. Then after long discussion (that all came down to a toss coin) we decided to go back to PLM to join the MTV-AIDS summit. We were all waiting there when Marc Abaya and the rest of the crew of MTV arrived. Man, he looks exactly like me, and you know how I love myself so much so I absolutely find him good looking. Then a crew asked me if I can do Get spotted and I said yes. I was suppose to introduce a video and all that shit. I was asked what song I like I said that song by Kitchie Nadal and he said okay. So it was my chance to get my first exposure on local tv, I introduced the video and they said I was great. Hmm… I hope I see it soon. If you’re wondering what time it is shown, it’s from 6:00-6:30 pm. MTV ayosh!

Anyways, there was a transport strike that day so we kinda had difficulty finding a ride home but we eventually got into one. The PC has been having some problems and it pisses me off. I can’t connect to the internet very well again so I can’t chat with the rest of the bobongers. Hai! Anyways, I have some pictures of marc with me and my other classmates all I have to do is find somebody with a blutooth I can borrow. Damn that laptop! It ain’t working still.

Friday, I found out that bhe has been having some problems with work. I hope it gets easier for him. There was no seminar that day so we just went in our class did some stuff but our last class with the big asshole was cut again and I am so friggin’ glad about it! I hate that son of a bitch! He should be deported to Babuyan Islands, that’s where he belong!!!!!

Wah! I finally saw the Stepford Wives, hehe, I loved it!!!!! It was so funny, not that strong ending, yes, but it was very funny and Nicole man, I wanna marry her!!!!!!!! I’ve gotta be moving now, gotta go early to school for an assignment. Bhe, if you’re reading this, you can do it! Don’t worry, everything will work out just fine. I’m always here okay, and you haven’t text me for almost a week. Hmmmmmm….. but i'm letting you slide, for now.....

Laguna invades riddler / Life is beautiful

2004-11-22T09:44:00.000+08:00

Whoa, an abrupt turn in my crazy life just took place; I am no longer the drama king you used to know. I relish life more than I used to and I am stronger now. Why all of a sudden I’m the man of strong will and great courage? Read on to find out….

Last Saturday, as y’all know I decided to go to Laguna with all of the other Bobongers, and so I did. After our first and last class that day, we waited for Sam and when she finally arrived we head to Robinson’s where we met JC, Ducka, Xtin, and Kat, I was with Kim, Leux and Madel (the one who comforted me during my infamous breakdown last Friday). When Bryan arrived we proceeded to the Bus Station. We went outta there between 5 and 6 pm. It was a fun trip. We were pretty raucous inside the bus and despite being located at the far end of it, there were still some commuters who were goaded by our earsplitting presence. One of the old lady said, “Akala mo sila lang ang nakasakay walang pakialam sa ibang pasahero” (it’s as if they’re the only one’s riding this bus, they don’t mind the other passengers). I humanely countered by addressing my fellow bobongers out loud that they should keep quiet and they’re not the only people in the bus, that served the bitch right, she kept quiet till the end of the trip.

I could hardly remember what time we arrived at Laguna, maybe between 8-9. We met Mc and then we head to her house. Had dinner and chat a little and went straight to Khowee’s gig. There we met Hani and Khowee, the last 2 bobongers of the day. Hani is my favorite bobonger and chatmate while Khowee is the trying-to-be-young-but-obviously-older-looking-than-me dude. Hehe. And I was so glad to know that there ain’t one of them I didn’t like. I especially liked Kat, I call her “loves” by the way.

We went upstairs and found the supposedly bar, well, it was quite the size of our classroom, actually our classrooms our bigger. It was weird, I honestly have no idea that it’s going to be just a room. I never saw anything like it before. The room was packed and once you stick your ass on sumtin better not take it away or you’ll lose it. So I glued mine perfectly. The first band performed, and after 5 songs (I think) the only word I understood was “chaos” and besides that the whole thing was. Ahehe, I’m just kidding, their drummer was pretty good, man, he’s fast alright, and the guitarist/vocalist was pretty good as well. I found their music very good however, their songs are awfully alike. After the chaos, it was khowee’s turn. He made some greetings and before we knew it he was bangin he’s head all over the place. I was caught off guard. Man, that man is crazy! He was really at it and their group choreography rocks!!! Ahehehe! I thought I was the most overly performing singer around, man, he proved me wrong. Hahahah! Kudos dude, you were great!

After they sang we went to the house near the place which I think is owned by the guy who produced the show. They drank and drank and somewhere there I just found myself realizing how good my life is. How great my family is. How much I am capable of. And how stupid I am to think that my life is dire. I won’t mention exactly what happened but two people that night woke me up from my delusion.

In only had one shot that night and it was terrible, I have this thing when I’m awake so late or I end up sleeping at somebody else’s house. My stomach gets grumpy and it’s so weird. I dunno if it’s because of my ulcer before or whatever. Ah, we head home, 5 of us, at about 7, I arrived at home at 9 or was it 10? I cannot remember. Went online and read my brew’s blog.

I slept for about 2 hours. Then when I woke up, I talked to Brew for 3 hours or so. I missed talking to him. I think he felt the same way. I can still feel that he loves me and somewhere in that voice of his, he still wanna be with me, I just don’t know what’s holding him back. If he’s scared that he’s going to hurt me, he shouldn’t be, especially now that I realized how precious my life is and how blessed I am. The only thing missing in my life right now is him. Ha, I enjoyed talking to him. Anyways, we discussed my DDS (Deepest Darkest Secret) and well, I thought I wouldn’t cry but I did, the first time that I actually really cried on it. I couldn’t tell you what it is cuz it’s something that I should keep for myself alone, give me something I can call mine, well, it’s not totally mine now since I told it to 2 people already but let that be a secret to the rest of you.

Watched Survivor, damn, that Eliza is really really hot!!!!!!!!! Hmmm… oh, before I forget, brew told me that he wants me to meet one of his “friends” who he say can be a good partner to me. I told him if he’s just going end up hurting me, then No, irrational, yes, but at the moment, I’m just not up for something unsure.

This school day sucks! No text from brew yet. Screw him! He said he’ll text me. Hmp! Ahehehe… oh, I wasn’t late for class today for the very first time since the classes started. That’s an achievement. HAHA!!

Rejected again and again and again......

2004-11-20T10:08:00.000+08:00

Well, you might be wondering why I suddenly changed my mind, there must be some driving force cuz I somewhat look completely determined, well, there was. It was Yajra.
We met yesterday, I completely prepared for this one, I even cleaned my roon for him, he’s staying for the night and in case we decide to do it, I want it to be special. So I went to our meeting place, he was a little late and there I saw him, at first, I was a little disapponited cuz he had uite a few pimples, but since he told me to not expect that much, I didn’t. Contrary to popular belief I’m not superficial, when I established a relationship with someone, I no longer what the hell they look like. It’s not that important as long as if they give me their photo and it is really them, that’s fine with me.

And so we walked around that stupid mall, he was actually cuter in person, and he kinda have most of the things I’m looking for. The height, he’s about 5’5 not that tall. He’s white. That’s basically it. We walked around and I though everything was going fine until I heard him say “pinapauwi ako ng kuya ko at pinsan ko emergency daw” ( my brother and cousin told me to go home there’s an emergency”. My face went numb, I didn’t know how to react. I’m smelling it again--- rejection coming to get me. But I acted cool, I mean, I don’t think he’s the type who’ll do that, when we were to separate he even told me that he’ll go back and try to get to myself by himself. So my doubts that he might not like me faded away. Until I texted him, telling him in a form of joke that if he don’t like me just tell me so I won’t look dumb, and he did reply saying that he’s sorry, and he just expected too much. I went numb. Pain was all over me. How can he say that? I asked of him, I layed down all my cards before we met up and he made it very clear that he’s not superficial. I told him I expected nothing from him but for him not to be superficial. And he was.

So instead of going straight here, I went to my parents place. On my way there, I almost couldn’t hold my tears, I rushed inside went to my mom’s room and cried and cried and cried. God, I really wanna die that moment. Just be nothing for awhile. I was suicidal again this time I’m dead serious, but then I saw my mom, I couldn’t do it. I just can’t. I could die in pain but not my mom. So I just went home, and hear I cried and cried again. I really looked fr someone to talk to cuz I might do something. So I went chatting and thank god I found someone to talk to.

I think I’m not primarily hurt by what happened, and it’s not about brew either. It was me feeling like shit. Like I’m so ugly and useless and totally unlovable. Am I? I think I am. Why would one not be interested with me if I’m cute. I really feel like I’m worthless. And I think that’s one of the reason why I keep on loving Christian cuz despite of the fat that he kept on hurting me, he’s the only who loves me, or so he say. I feel like he was the only one who was able to appreciate me. If you’re reading this.. I love you…

One of the people who made me smile after a one-hour marathon of tears was Kim. He’s one of the bobongers and she told me that I’m actually the most gorgeous guy she ever met. I smiled upon hearing that. I think she was also the one who told me I’m an ultimate catch. Man, she does know how to make me feel better. One of my classmates whom I texted came over totally worried about me, and I cried while telling her what happened, I guess she was not use to me crying cuz I’m the ever strong confident me. She asked me where the confident Riddler she knows? I told her I’ve always been weak, despite of the fact that I may look very happy outside I was always miserable. Three months ago, I was not like this I may not be happy but at least I don’t cry this much. But eversince we broke up, I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling more depressed than I’ve ever been, and feeling the most miserable.

Hai, I want to say more but I’m in so much hurry , I decided to go to Laguna. Sam will be paying half of my expenses. I need good people to be with. Hai…
Anyways before I go, brew, if you’re reading this, just want you to know, that it was tough to do that 14-day crap, I can’t let you go, not at the moment, I’ll still be waitin’, in case you change your mind, I’ll still be here… I’ll keep on holdin’ on… and if the time comes which I doubt will ever come) don’t be afraid to ask or tell me, in case I don’t wanna be with you again, give me that luxury this time to say no (which I doubt I’ll ever have the chance to do). I love you…………

Day 2 --- a quick ending

2004-11-19T23:10:00.000+08:00

Shit! I knew it that i wouldn't last long, all in a day's work.... hai... i was supposed to post the brilliant plan and the rest after the supposedly 2-week period but i violated the rules already and so it's done...

i'll tell you all the shit that happened to me today tomorro.w.. in the meantime, i shall rest...

Day 1 --- a good start!

2004-11-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

Well, he messaged me midnight, saying that he misses me and that he feel so down and he has no idea why and that two words… love you. I replied by saying that I feel so down as well, and he read right through it. He said he knew it’s because of him why I’m down and he’s sorry and that he’s drinking at that time. I told him drinking everyday is a sign of true happiness and that I think I should start doing that as well. He never got back.

I was happy that I was able to make him feel bad again. At least in that way it lessens the pain and somehow he gets the taste of what I’m going through. I read his blog today for the last time and it was about his Emor once again sharing his desperation from their seperation at work. Ha! Justice my friends it is existent.

Enough about him, there’s something new going on in my life. This guy, I’ve been talking to since Tuesday, well, we’re kinda getting into something new. He’s nice, sweet, and he wants me to be his baby. Haha. well, that’ll be good. I mean Ii’m enjoying every bit of our chat that I end up sleeping very late, like the other night I slept at 2 am knowing that I have to wake up at 5. He’s not that totally cute but he’s good enough for me. He has the makings of a good bf, especially since he studies at FEU and that’s very near to our place. One setback though is that he lives near Sm North, god forbids, he might have had some encounter with brew. Man, I hope not!

As all of you should know I quit chatting at irc for quite awhile already and in yahoo for more than a month already. The only people I chat with at yahoo are my fellow bobongers. By the way, it’s fun chatting with these guys, my favorite chatmate is hani, she’s an aid reader as well, or so she claims to be. Ahehe.

I am still yet to decide whether I’ll be going with the bobongers for a gig of Khowee or I’ll go to the tea party of chico and delamar and the launching of their new mag Swerve at Libis. I really want to go on both events. The problem with the former is that it’s too far and transportation alone will cost me P300. I’ll probably end up pending P500 minimum. Now, the problem with the second one is that I have no one t g with. I don’t wanna go there alone but I don’t know who to bring as well. Yarja can’t come cuz he have a class, and well, most of the people I know ain’t really much of a party crowd. Ha, that’s one of the things I hate about me, I’ve always wanted to be an outgoing but I just couldn’t find the right crowd to go along with. Hai. Worst-case scenario, I’ll be watching TV at home on a Saturday evening, didn’t this shit just happened to me a month ago! Déjà vu!

the brilliant plan.......

2004-11-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

I am leaving him for good. At least for the next 2 weeks, he owe me a treat and at least that it’ll be a way for me to figure out if I still have a thang for him after that bound to be exigent time period.

The two-week plan includes the following:

Starting tomorrow night, I will no longer visit his site, nor entertain any text messages unless they’re critical in nature such as him being involve in a crime (rape, murder, smoking arrest not included), him being fatally injured (cutting his finger, headache and the likes), or him being seriously wanting to get back with me again (unlikely, but a boy can still hope). Even an SMS containing the words I love you and I miss you or Reply ASAP or text back if does not follow the above given conditions, it shall not be answered or entertained. If you’re wondering why I have to start it tomorrow night not tomorrow morning cuz he might still post sumtin tomorrow morning, wouldn’t wanna miss it.

I will not talk about him with my friends or whoever unless it follows the conditions given above starting the day after tomorrow, which is the next day. Why Friday? Because I have to talk to someone about this plan of mine tomorrow.

I will try to find someone new, entertain new “suitors” and actually be really open to the idea of committing again.

All this shit shall stop if it is time for him to treat me.

All this shit shall stop if I’m already in love with somebody new especially if more than I loved him.

I am determined to pursue this. It’s a start. I shall be strong, can’t afford to be weak again. If this shit don’t turn up good or no positive results have been observed then I’m bound to be a whore for the rest of my life and make him feel bad and be burdened by it.. or better yet kill myself, that’s a good payback.

By the way I met CRV and well, he quite turned out to be the guy who I thought he was, arrogant and stubborn and insecure. Always worried that people might think he’s a fag, that well in fact he is. I mean, c’mon he’s trying so hard to look straight that he might as well be gay. He stayed here in the house for a couple of hours and well, nothing happened, and I’m glad about it cuz he looked like a walking fry pan.

Leinna and I got the chance to seriously chat yesterday, he’s the guy I cheated with during my relationship with Brew. He shared to me that he might go for an SO with Hoy! Well, I thought it’s stupid or he’s faking it like most of the things he say or do. He’s a smudge, and he’ll always be one. Poor Hoy he’s bound to be in pain. I think he’s trying to tell me this so I’ll get jealous well, I kinda am but only because I never got the chance to crack him and it’ll be a shame (impossible actually) that Hoy would do it. Pathetic!

This girl who messaged me in friendster, well, she told me that I might like to know his “straight” friend who had a relationship with a bi guy, but he’s straight—yah right! I told her, that I actually wanted to get to know her cuz she’s pretty open-minded one of the things that I am looking for in a girl, and one of the things Eniarrol never was. The downside though, he’s from Legaspi, Albay.. nice try nigga….

news blackout......

2004-11-17T20:54:00.000+08:00

Okay, after 2 minutes of reading, a minute of teeming tears and a colossal self-pity, I’ve finally decided… that I ain’t sharing anything in this blog for 2 weeks. I’ll continue writing on my journal but I aint’ postin anything here for the next 14 days or less, but certainly not more, or possibly more, whatever! The raison d'être ? Hmm… I’ll share it 2weeks from now…

One thing I can share you though…. For a while I really thought I should end it.. my life that is….

rejected---AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

Whoah, I finally found the pause button in this remote. Contrary to popular belief, I have other things going than just my crazy love fiasco. I did went to my auditions today for the Pinoy Pop Superstar and as projected, I didn’t get in. I didn’t pass the first round. It was crazy! I was supposed to sing happy birthday and man that song is arduous. I do have an excuse why I didn’t get to sing it well but I ain’t gonna mention cuz it is indeed an excuse. Surprisingly though, I didn’t get hurt as much as I thought I’d be. I dunno maybe I’m becoming immune to the thing I fear most…. REJECTION. I remember those times when I use to always say that I’ll try to do this and I’ll try to join that, but I never had the balls to pursue it, well, now I had the balls and the face for it. I guess my pain (I can’t believe we’re going back to this again) right now overshadowed any of it.

And since, we’re all already back to the topic, I wasn’t able to do it stop myself from saying hi! I wasn’t looking for strength, I just wanna share that moment with him, he told me before that he’ll accompany me in case I decide to join. And up to now I would have trade anything for that to happen. Good thing it didn’t. he did reply to my message and I saw a new entry in his blog that hurt me once more. If I really plan on doing this shit, I should stop visiting that site.

Anyways, I didn’t went straight back here. I went to my parents’ house, ate lunch and saw my mom crying. My dad and I laughed. I dunno it was sumtin bout the pigs in our province that died. Now, you know where I get all this emo aura of me. I’m a walking crybaby because of my mom and I hate it. Strange thing though, usually I would have felt so bad seeing her cry and may start crying as well, but I guess the pain still stopped me from doing so, from feeling anything at all.

"BYE"

2004-11-15T11:33:00.001+08:00

I am crying and I can’t stop… tried to bid farewell to him, it’s hard and a part of me is still trying to tell me to take that simple “bye” back. God, if he only knows how much I love him, if he only knows……… I really wish I never met him I really do… I really do…. I feel miserable… I feel like I’m dying… I’ve never been in this much pain my entire life… and it’s all because of that stupid mistake of trying this sort of thing, I should have not tried this one, I should have stopped myself but apart of me is saying that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, he made live again and if he did give me that life he so kindly took it away from me…. Or did i or will I? Maybe I should….

I don’t know where to go… I don’t know how to continue, I wish life’s just like watching a video, with a single click you can pause a moment, despite the fact that if you rewind it, the same scene is bound to happen, at least you will have the time to stop for awhile and try to recuperate before you go forward. I don’t know what it will take for me to forget him but I do wish I find out soon… before it’s too late…..

this is it....

2004-11-15T11:33:00.000+08:00

This is really it it’s final, my hunch was true, I haven’t read his blog yet when I mentioned that if it was his ex he would come back to him in an instant, and I was so right. God, I hate him and I hate myself more. Taena, yoko na talaga, can’t take it no more, I really can’t, I feel like slowly dying, and I ain’t kidding. God, I wish I can go back to what I am before, I wish I never met him. I wish I never tried this silly way of life… I just can’t stay here anymore.. I need to get out of this shit cuz it brought me nothing but pain… a short fun time yes, but that can’t equate to the hell I am going through right now. This has been he most depressing time in my life and more of this, god forbids, I know I won’t be able to take it no more. I just hope it doesn’t happen… I really hope so….

more rants.....

2004-11-14T10:13:00.000+08:00

Shit! I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s talking to someone even if I don’t know who it is, I’m jealous, and I know I don’t have the right to be jealous and it pisses me off more. Why am I still putting up for this? Will somebody slap my face and tell me to get over him and move on? Can somebody tell me the best way to get him out of my system? He said he’ll call again but he never did and I don’t know why I’m still expecting that from him. Why do I keep on punishing myself? To what extent do I need to harm myself just so it’ll be enough? I don’t want this shit no more. I don’t.

in hate--- again!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-13T10:11:00.000+08:00

I Hate him and I Hate myself from continuously loving him. He called tonight, and he kept saying that “mahal na mahal pa niya ako”, and even forced me to say it in spite of the fact that he knows that I still love him so much. I was so happy while talking feeling that the door is finally opening, I felt that it was the right moment, it’s now or never as they say it, so I asked him about us getting back together and all he can say was “Sorry bhe, di ko talaga kayang magcommit eh” and the next thing you know he’s hanging up on me. I HATE HIM but I love him so much.

God, I feel awful right now and what makes it harder is the fact that I can’t cry it out. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just so mad. I wanna cry, it feels better when it comes out of me. I can’t tell him how much I hate him cuz I don’t want him out of my life, how I wanted to tell him to just stop from telling me how much he loves me and then afterwards say that he’s not ready to commit but I can’t cuz even if it hurts, it’ll hurt more not knowing that he still loves me.

Why can’t he not realize that right now is the easiest time for us to commit, cuz he’s working and I’m studying and we’ll be too busy to flirt around with anybody else. I think it’s not that he can’t commit but he can’t get himself to stop from sleeping with somebody else. I know I ain’t good enough, I’ve always been inadequate in everything (whoah finally I’m crying again!!!!) but can’t he just at least give us one more chance? I have learned my lesson, and I swore I’d never be the bitch that I was before and I’d stop fooling around, but I still think it’s not really me, I’m even starting to think that I can allow him to sleep around with others even if we’re still together as long as it’s still me.

God, awhile ago, I was telling how I pity myself so much and this shit must stop right now. It ain’t going anywhere good especially for me. Maawa naman ako sa sarili ko, taena!!!!! I really wanna stop this madness, how can I not realize that it’s going nowhere but to my destruction. God, I love him so much, but I hate him as much. I just hope he’ll change his mind soon. I think, if it’s his ex who’s asking him to get back with him he’ll do it in a snap, I guess he just really don’t love me…. So cmon wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.. i ain't doing this shit again!!!!!!

2004-11-11T09:58:00.000+08:00

School started and well, it sucks. One of the professors that I greatly despise for giving me a lowmark is my prof again. I’ll tell you the complete story when I’m not too busy that’ll be 40 years from now. And oh, if you’re wondering about my supposedly boy at the moment, well, I’m trying to erase him from my memory cuz the asshole deserves no space from it.

Last Wednesday, I was supposed to meet somebody and he ended up canceling a day before cuz he have work. So I ended up looking for someone trying to get the suppose “itch” out of me. So I went online looking for someone and I did found one. I was very skeptical cuz it will be the first time that I’ll try it with someone outside of a relationship. So I was really scared. Plus, I’m afraid that I might pick up some STD cuz I don’t that person that well and I end up telling everyone “I have never been so promiscuous in my entire life, huhuhu, Joey pointed the gun on me”.

In the end, I did met him and we went to my place, but to make the short story shorter, after that shit, I regretted it. And I swear to your God I’ll never do it again. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would, actually I didn’t at all. I felt like I was forcing myself to do it, man, I just wish I could be like brew, sleep around like nothing else matters, me included.

a debut, a registration and in love again

2004-11-08T09:39:00.000+08:00

Well, Ha, last Thursday was my friend’s debut. It was at the Cocount Palace and I so psyched about it cuz I was supposed to host the event. It would have been my biggest hosting stint ever so I was a little excited though not greatly confident because of my odd hair. So I went to my HS barkada Bondoc’s house and there I saw Rainier. We waited for Elizon the usual “paimportante”, believe me his much of a diva than I am. To think he’s straight, at least I think so.

We left the house by 6:45 and we arrived at the place by 715 or 7:30 not really sure. I thought we were late but there were only a handful of familiar faces inside. Anyways, the place was gorgeous. The house is incredibly nice and I was thinking of going to the grass side near the bay cuz it was the 10th or 11th pit stop of the amazing race but I thought never mind, what matters is I saw the place.

The party was almost ruined because it rained a little so I thought we’ll be transferred inside the house instead of the garden but in the end the rain stopped—for awhile. I even saw my friend Tanmia’s mother crying, what a pity, I know how she worked so hard for her daughter’s party only to find out that it’ll be ruined by the awful weather. Plus, the amount of money they wasted just to make my friend’s bday special, I really feel for her.

Then a shocking turn came upon when the party started, an old lady hosted the event. I was shocked cuz it was clearly said to me that I’ll be hosting it, all my friends also knew that, and I was never informed that I’m not doing it no more, I was pissed but what can I do? I just tried to understand and I did naman. Then this funny fat guy sang and it was really appalling, I mean really terrible. I was laughing my head off, he sang hands to heaven, if you were there, you would have laughed your head off as well.

Anyways, the food was great, it wasn’t the usual thing you have at hotel debuts. After my part in the 18 tulips, it started to rain and so they ended up moving the whole thing on the shed at the left side of the house. The guys and I well, if it was just me I would have chosen to stay and watch but John definitely don’t dig that kind of shit so we decided to just hang inside the house and chat.

The party ended at exactly 12 midnight, we didn’t stay anymore for the after party and we head to baywalk, just walk around, tried to find a smooth place to chill at in Malate but didn’t find any. So we decide to go at Bondoc’s place. I was hoping to get some dope but they denied me of it but John promised me he’ll give me one the next time, I haven’t tried that shit, I’m 18 and I haven’t smoked pot? What kind of twisted thing is that? Tried S but not the grass, that’s pretty wicked.

We just shared High School stories and I gotta admit it was a lot of fun. We might have not admitted it, but we sure miss each other a lot. The teasing and our favorite hobby, dissing other people and making fun of their abnormality. It was fun really fun.

Arrived home at 7 and only got to sleep for 2 hours. And 3 more hours. Woke up for the auditions, it was raining, and Renato was late. It was so funny cuz it was his first time to ride both the LRT and the MRT so it was really funny, It was hilarious seeing him trying to figure out how to insert the magnetic card properly, plus, his bag got closed on by the door, and later, he the doors closed before he got the chance to get off the train and he missed his supposed destination. Then we met Noime at the gate we waited for almost 2 hours before we finally get the briefing and submit our applications. The audition will be on Monday and I am so frigging excited and worried. Wahhhhh…

Man, about 10 hours ago I promised myself that I won’t text brew anymore, and I was able to accomplish that. But he texted me, he said luv u bhe.. mwah!!!! What the fuck was that?

Man it’s getting really confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t get him, I don’t know what he wants. It’s so freaking crazy. Wah.. but I feel great!!! Wah prepare myself for self-destruction.. ahahahai

in hate....

2004-11-02T03:58:00.000+08:00

After reading this from his blog, i suddenly realized that i was really stupid.... believing that he loves me although the entire time i knew that he still love his ex. How did i buy those "he has a special place in my heart" line that he gave me... your judgment's too clouded when you're in love which i am not now.. i'm in hate....

Yesterday while I was watching TV, I could not remember what, I remembered Marvin. I remembered how happy I was then, I remembered his kisses, his laughters, his promises. Those memories I should have forgotten a long time ago were like ghosts on a halloween night haunting me from behind. I felt a sudden rush of despair run through my body to my face leaving it numb. Then tears started to fell. It was unstoppable. I tried to resist the urge to blurt out but I couldn't. Tears were like rain falling from the heavens. I needed to shelter myself from those pricking droplets but they were persistent. They left my face wet. Wet with memories of happiness, of despair, of him.I don't know what had gotten into me. I should have moved on by now. It has almost been three months but still he is like just beside me, staring from behind, wanting me to cry, pleading me to forget. But how could I? Really? No matter how I pretend to have moved on, the reality slaps me on my face waking me to what is now, to what is real.I never imagined moving on would be this hard. I have had a boyfriend after him. But still he keeps showing up in my most vulnerable times, when I am alone in the dark with my mind blank. He haunts like a thief in the night with a look that could melt away my pretentious hard soul, my stone-coated heart. He break through my mask of deception and see the real me. Oh Marvin. I just hope you know how much I still love you so.

my final remorse....

2004-11-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

I am still here…. 11 days and 5 hours had gone by since we separated or should I say since he broke up with me. And I still can’t get over him. Not discounting the fact that I have a boyfriend right now, or I have no idea if he still is my boyfriend cuz I haven’t receive any attempt of communicating from him to me for the past 2 days. And that I have a couple of more flings around waiting to bloom into sex or something more than just sex.

Why am I going gaga over him? He’s not even the best looking queer I’ve ever seen. He’s tall, yes; smart, undeniably; witty, most definitely; sexy, well depends on how you define it, if you’re into helloing ribcages then you may say he is; sweet, well, not most of the time but when he tries to be so you can’t help but melt; patient, oh definitely someone who can put up with me for more than an hour deserves a Noble Peace Prize, and he only got mad at me once and he was really mad. And he said he loved me, and that up to now I’m special to him. I don’t know if he still loves me today but I’m pretty sure of one thing he no longer wants to be with me, at least in a romantic way – he wants us to be friends.

I don’t wanna be just friends. I have enough friends to fill the whole Araneta Coliseum, or at least the courtside seats. I wanna be with him. He’s the guy that I wanna woke up with each friggin’ day of my will-not-be-miserable-life if this comes true. I wanna prepare him lunch, like the first time he stayed over and hear him tell me how sweet I am and how touched he is. I want him to catch me flirting online while he pretends to be sleeping and tell me afterwards that he’s jealous and there’s no need for him to tell that and I should have known that it’s wrong. I wanna catch a movie with him again not wanting to actually get laid in the dark, but just be able to hold his hand as we watch a movie I might bash a day later. I wanna walk around the mall worried that someone may see us as he steal tickles from me. I wanna dine again in KFC that I’m so happy to be his favorite resto cuz it’s my favorite too. I wanna go back to Figaro even if I don’t drink coffee and inhale the second hand smoke that’s coming out from his Winston cigarette that I greatly despise. I wanna be able to sing for him again and him telling me how much he like it. But most of all I wanna get that chance to here him tell me how much he love me so much which so obviously ain’t comin’ down anytime soon….

Oh, how I regret being such a bitch the entire time we were together. How I regret giving him all the headaches one can possibly experience from a relationship. I regret not being understanding and supportive enough of what he wants to do and what he believes in, no matter how skewed they seem to be. I regret not always telling him how much I love him everytime we’re together, I regret cheating on him, thinking that he won’t feel jealous but knowing that he will. But most of all I regret not stopping him from splitting up with me cuz despite the fact that his mind is made-up at least I could tell myself that I tried to save it and I won’t be here crying while writing this stupid journal still hoping that he’ll call asking me to be with him again.